Saturday, April 21, 2012

Fuck Yo' Yelp

Now, I promised manz that I wouldn't be a stuck up citified biatch in Fresno, but there are a couple of things that have irritated me about the city, or the residents, or maybe both.

First of all, I had a fashion emergency here because I threw out most of my shit before we moved up. Now, I had a couple pairs of boots that were decent in terms quality and looks and I had bought them online for cheap. But I figured, hell, Fresno is hot and dry, so am I gonna need boots? Nah. So what happens the first week we're here? It rains. A LOT. So I rush out to try and get some decent boots. I go to Macy's and there's nothing. Then I check online to see where their nearest decent shoe store is, like maybe a Walking Company or something like that, since I usually wear the cute comfort shoe brands 'cause I'm a field rep and walk a lot for work. Well, there aren't any Walking Company stores here, closest ones are in the Bay. Okay, no problem. How about a Nordstrom?


When I bitched to manz about this he was like, "Now, now, remember what you said..." Sigh. I won't be a snob, but STILL. Where am I supposed to go when I have a show fashion emergency?? It's not Fresno's fault, it's just I guess retailers go where they know they'll make money. And I sense not many folks in Fresno can afford to shop at Nordstrom which isn't their fault either, but still. I can still be mad about that, can't I?

Now, onto the real reason for this post. Seriously, Fresno Yelpers? You guys are full of shit, and I pretty much hate most of you. There aren't many Yelpers out there, and there are a few cool ones as far as I've seen, but man...the rest of you need to GTFOHWTBS.

Perfect example. The highest rated Japanese restaurant in all of Fresno is called Pete's Teriyaki. I went there expecting some awesome shit. What I got though, was a low budget L & L. For real? The "famous" spicy chicken I read about thats "to die for"? That shit was a fried chicken breast they bought at Costco, cut it up, then they poured Costco teriyaki sauce mixed with Sriracha all over it.

However, down the street from me there's a real Japanese market with seafood called "Central Fish Company" and it got terrible reviews because... smells like fish in there.

What. The. Fuck.

Yes, it did, but Jesus H.'s a fucking fish's in the name, people!

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! Daskdjncksdcuihuenrhdbsu!,,,!,,! *flails angrily*

Okay, I feel better now.


  1. come on now...a Japanese restaurant named...Pete's Teriyaki? the name alone sounds suspect to me. not that Japanese dudes can't be named Pete...but...i don't know any. fried chicken from Costco drizzled with teriyaki sauce sound exactly like something i'd expect a guy name Pete to make and try to pass it off as "authentic Japanese cuisine." ...i'm just saying...

    and i don't really know anything about Fresno, but is it a hipster town to any degree? not very diverse? i just can't think of a good reason why people would complain about a seafood market smelling like fish. lot of cognitive dissonance going on.

    trust me, i know aallll about the looks you can get from the natives when you're a "citified" person and you show up in their town. you tell them GTFOHWTBS, then they tell you GTFOMyTown, then you tell them Fuck Yo Town. that's the circle of life.

  2. Well now, see, Pete's had a lot of good reviews, I think 30 something, and it was like 4.5 stars, and a co-worker recommended it. Admittedly, I only ended up going 'cause my co-worker wanted to go there, but still. Plus Yelp has almost always done me right, so I said, "Ehhh" *shrugs*

    Fresno is not a hipster town AT ALL. I almost wish it was sometimes. It's very slow, very behind the times. Like the girls out here are doing that white blonde layer of hair on top with the deep black on bottom or vice versa. And there are a lot of emo/scene kids out here like their shit is new. I'm seeing now that there's a lot of ig'nint folks out here, so I guess they don't think a fish market should smell like fish.

    That's right you WOULD know about my dilemma. I'm hoping I don't get to the "Fuck Yo' Town" stage too soon. I made a commitment to stay here for 2 years!