Tuesday, July 5, 2011

BSOD

So I promised that I wouldn't go very long without posting and obviously since it's been a month and a half since my last post, I broke that promise. However, mostly it was because I didn't have time, and when I did have time, I was trying to bury myself in my drug of choice: video games. You guys know how that goes. Sidenote: I'm super happy to be gaming with my friends Stormy and Razig aka James and Jay again. Anyway, I titled this post BSOD because that's sort of the expression that's been on my face for the last month and a half. I've mostly been blue screening and unable to process much of anything. And yes, because of work.
I realized something about myself and the way I've been reacting about work. I mean, work is where you spend the most time throughout the day, and you spend more time with the people you work with than your family. As much as I do love helping people and being an activist and actually getting PAID to just be myself, it's been really hard because of all the drama that's gone on in my workplace. There's so much uncertainty right now, and a control freak like me certainly CANNOT deal with multiple levels of uncertainty in my life. It makes me absolutely fucking insane. Of course I already knew all this, and you guys did too. The one thing that I realized was that despite the fact that I do find meaning and satisfaction in my work, one thing I cannot conceive of doing is just walking away from it. I've been convinced that it all absolutely MUST work out, but I never really thought about why that was. The reason is simply that if this job doesn't work out for whatever reason, if I get laid off, if I quit, whatever, then I feel as if I've wasted the whole first year of marriage to manz for nothing.
Realizing that one thing a few weeks ago made me burst into angry and upset tears, and I think ya'll know how much I absolutely detest crying. I've been trying not to think about it since I realized it, and of course I did talk to manz about it. He thought it was silly of me, since after all, we do have the rest of our lives together. I know that, but when I'm in the depths of despair about whether or not the uncertainty and drama will work out, it's hard to see the long view, you know? So maybe that explains why I buried myself in a hole for all this time.
I've cried a whole lot lately, but not because I'm sad or anything, of course, but they're what manz calls "murder tears", which I found an especially apt name for them. There's just so much going on, so many people pissing me off, people fucking with me, unknowns on whether not I might be laid off, etc., that my body goes through emotional flooding because I'm holding back so much of what I think and feel all the time. That shit gets REALLY STRENUOUS.
Anyway, I actually went on vacation with manz to the Dominican Republic a couple weeks ago and that was really great. I did nothing but swim at the beach and lay on the beach, and eat, and read, and sleep. It was awesome. That's about all the news in my life that's fit to print.
I'm really going to push myself to try and get my mind right going forward. I have to quit the negativity and stop being emo. Yes, shit is rough for me right now emotionally, but I've been through way worse shit, right? I can do this. I got this.