Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Redrum Explained - TL;DR incoming

So, my last post was a bit all over the place and out of control, but then, that's how I was feeling at the time.  It's been pretty hectic. Basically what's happened is the County of San Diego came to us with a proposal on the contract that the employees are working under. They also told us that we have to talk to all 10k plus county employees to find out what they want us to do before December 30th. And that really means before December 17th, because nothing happens the week of Christmas and New Year's. Since that day I've been up early and home late working about 13-14 hour days, and weekends. That all started last week and will go on for another week and half.

As it is, working on not a lot of sleep has left me in this weird state of just kind of floating along trying to remember everything I need to do, everywhere I need to go, and everyone I need to talk to. Last week when I started the first place I went to was the a courthouse in the southern area of San Diego. I thought the sheriffs at the courthouse would be mean and kick me off the steps of the courthouse but they were all really nice to me because they found out what I was doing, which they approved of, since they're getting the same deal, too. I was especially grateful when they let me stand inside when it was in the 30s in the morning and I was out there for 2 hours. Sometimes simple displays of kindness really mean a lot more to me.  Right after that I went to go to talk to some social workers, and for some reason they all had their panties in a bunch and were talking mad shit about how they should all be considered peace officers because they have to deal with the same shit probation officers do. I was in shock because I had never ever heard that argument before. Additionally they did all this finger pointing asking me "what's the UNION gonna do" which I hear all the time. That question pisses me off because the UNION is precisely that, a UNION. A bunch of people that are unified and working together. It's not the staff members that work in an office, it's all of us. I was really irritated because they were jumping all over me and not letting me talk, and being rude on top of that. And anyway, aren't social workers supposed to be nice and caring? What the fuck?

After I left there I went to another office of social workers where the social workers have been a lot more friendly towards me, and I was telling one of the women there about everything that had happened, and she asked me for the names of the social workers that had been rude to me. I was really pissed about one of them, and then turns out the dude I was most pissed about actually works for her. She told me she was going to tear him a new one for being mean to me, and all I have to say to that is: KARMA'S A BITCH MOTHERFUCKER!

The next morning I attended a breakfast that was being hosted by the ICWJ. That stands for the Interfaith Council on Worker Justice. I went to one of their functions before, and I wanted to talk about it on this blog, but it was during election season and I was way too overwhelmed. But the most wonderful thing about this organization is that it's exactly what it calls itself. It's made up of a lot of people of different faiths that are all working together to bring justice and fairness to all working families out there. All the major monotheistic religions are represented, and I have to say it's really overwhelming to be surrounded by so many people of God/Yahweh/Allah that all love and respect each other tremendously, and that love and respect everyone else. It was...enlightening. Most of my experiences with people of deep faith have been painful or disappointing or a combination of the two. But to hear a rabbi joking with a Baptist minister about stealing his lines for his own sermon - well, that was just amazing. There was so much love and acceptance there, that I just didn't know how to feel about it. I basically blue screened throughout most of the breakfast.

Throughout the rest of the week I was either getting beat up verbally, or else given a lot of praise and appreciation. And it would happen one after the other. First shit talking, then I'd talk to someone else who would tell me how wonderful I am, and how glad they are that I represent them, and that I'm awesome. Then the next person would talk shit. It was...so confusing. I guess what's been the overwhelming thing is that I'm surrounded by the two extremes of the very best parts of the human race, and a lot of the worst parts. Lots of love and acceptance simultaneously being received with misperceptions, dislike, distrust, and sometimes hatred. It's so difficult to deal with all that at once because you're constantly being pulled in a new direction and there's no time to set a status quo.

I realize I need to take the best parts of my experiences and hold those close to me, and take the worst parts of them and throw those out. Sometimes it's just hard to let go of the bad feelings and embrace the good ones. As much as I say I don't WANT no drama, why do I find it so hard to let go of being angry and bitter and upset? I don't get it, I mean I had several people I really like and respect give me so much validation and positive reinforcement, and then a few people I don't much care for giving me shit. Aren't the several positive and accepting people supposed to mean more than the others? And yet it's those others that we dwell on the longest.

The one social worker lady I spoke to that has been great to me every time we've spoken told me something interesting. She told me that in order to develop the habit of thinking in more positive directions and not dwelling on the negative, that all I need to do is do it for 30 days. Anything that's repeated over 30 days on a daily basis becomes a habit. She said that I should have a rubber band around my wrist and when I'm thinking on the negative side to just give it a little snap. Nothing too painful, but just a little reminder that I need to change my train of thought. Since that day I've worn one around my wrist.

I'll let you know how it goes.


  1. Your wrist is gonna take a lot snapping.


    Dead at Bluescreened.

  2. Wow. Sounds like a hell of journey! But that's Life at its best the way I see it.
    I'm glad (kinda shocked) to hear that the ICWJ people are getting along. I was expecting to read about all types of wildness! I agree that it's a flaw of human nature to dwell on the negative (like why they gotta bring up dogfighting every time I see Vick play - ha!). Hopefully your wrist will stay bruise free.

  3. Pago: I learn well from negative reinforcement. I've only done it a few times so far, but I guess that doesn't mean shit. And can you imagine me bluescreening?

    iamnotstrange: And the journeys continue, apparently, shit has just rolled on into this week too. It's been crazy. I think everyone should try and attend something like an ICWJ meeting because it's so enlightening and just made me feel happy. Also, why DO they have to bring up dogfighting every time Vick plays? And why the hell are they comparing him and Sarah Palin? REALLY?

  4. I should try the wrist snapping thing, but I don't think I'm that negative. I'm more of a chaotic neutral.

  5. LOL @ chaotic neutral. This is why I <3 you. In a sidenote, I always felt I was more inclined towards the evil side of things, but apparently after taking a test online, I'm a true neutral. I thought manz would be a true neutral but he's lawful good. WTF?