Monday, December 27, 2010

What We're Gonna Do Right Here Is Go Back...Way Back...

...Back Into Time.

I learned a lot this year. A LOT. I came a long way personally and professionally, and it looks like things are really looking up. For both me and manz.

Professionally, I learned that I had had quite enough of porn, thank you, after being involved in the industry for so long. 7 long years!

No, it isn't. It really isn't.

I learned that taking a chance on something sometimes does work out the way you want it to, because that's how I found my current job. I took a chance and even though it sounded like the job was really difficult, and I wasn't sure I could do it, I applied anyway and got the job. Through this job I learned so much more. I learned that religion isn't inherently bad after all, it just requires the right kind of people to be involved in it for it to be something truly wonderful. I also learned that appearances really ARE deceiving. Social workers aren't always nice people despite their psychology background, and blue collar working men aren't always gruff and taciturn individuals - still waters run deep. I learned that I have to understand that not everyone will like me, and that I have to be okay with that.

I think the most important thing I've learned at this new job is something Gandhi said once. "A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble." Because I think it's ridiculous to ask for raises when the people who pay my salary (the members I represent) are getting pay cuts and have to pay at least $1000 for their healthcare every month, and because this means I disagree with my coworkers and believe they're selfish sons of bitches, they've decided to create a working environment for me that has been pretty terrible. But I refuse to support them, even if it means they're going to be rude and give me the mean side eye when I walk by. On top of that, because I refuse to support them, this means that I'm anti-union, against the democratic process, and a hypocrite. (Because they want to know - how do I do my job every day and tell people to stand up to their bosses and stand with their coworkers, but not support my own coworkers when they're asking for raises?)

It's been brutal having to constantly say no, remain professional, and the hardest part of all is having to rein in my usual violent impulses to hit someone and really hurt them. The workplace is the only place where if someone gets in my face I need to take a deep breath and count to ten. As satisfying as it would be to beat some ass up in that bitch, I won't go to jail for those fucks.

Personally I learned a lot, too. I learned that the way our society works these days is that reality television is real, social media is friendship, and faith is science. Or for that matter, reality television > reality, social media > true friendship, and faith > science.

I learned that just because someone is related to you by blood, that doesn't mean you're obligated in any way to have a relationship with them. I learned that I finally, for the first time ever, really am truly okay not having a relationship with my fucked up family. I learned that family really means the people who love you and care for you, not just the people related to you by blood. I did however also learn that building up a new family is going to take some time and effort. I learned that just because my birth family is fucked up, that doesn't mean that I have to create a new family by having kids to try and fix everything through them. I learned that me and manz are really okay not having kids now, if ever. Perhaps the most important part of what I learned about family is that I can't change anyone, and I can't change what people think of me or believe that I am. People will do and say and believe what they want to, and I need to understand that, accept that, and let it go.

I also learned that I'm still a nerd, and I'm really proud of that. Despite the fact that most people (before Big Bang Theory became popular) think that being nerdy is something bad, I don't care. I learned that these days, when I choose to do something that is outside the norm, its not because I want attention. At least, not anymore. It's because I really want to do whatever it is I'm choosing to do.
Why yes, I really did buy a Health Energy Potion.

I guess a lot of the stuff I learned in my personal life is stuff my brain already logically knew for some time, but that my heart had some trouble accepting. But now I think I'm at the point where at long last, my mind and heart are united in everything I do. Now, more than ever, I have no regret. Because of that, when someone asks me, "How are you?" I can really say "Good" and mean it.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I Just Had Sex (I feel a little less hate towards Akon now)

...But more on that in a moment. This last week has been really hectic work-wise, basically working 13-14 hour days and Saturday but I think things are going to start calming down. I'm taking some time off this week and next so I'll be able to spend more time actually doing shit other than working - such as writing in this blog, and oh yeah, working on finishing my thesis.

Anyway, I just came across this new shit from Lonely Island. I have to say much like "I'm On A Boat" made me hate T-Pain a little less, "I Just Had Sex" makes me hate Akon a little less too. I mean, shit is just hilarious.

Also, I don't much care for Blake Lively, but Jessica Alba sure looks good, doesn't she? I haven't felt the love for her for a while.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Redrum Explained - TL;DR incoming

So, my last post was a bit all over the place and out of control, but then, that's how I was feeling at the time.  It's been pretty hectic. Basically what's happened is the County of San Diego came to us with a proposal on the contract that the employees are working under. They also told us that we have to talk to all 10k plus county employees to find out what they want us to do before December 30th. And that really means before December 17th, because nothing happens the week of Christmas and New Year's. Since that day I've been up early and home late working about 13-14 hour days, and weekends. That all started last week and will go on for another week and half.

As it is, working on not a lot of sleep has left me in this weird state of just kind of floating along trying to remember everything I need to do, everywhere I need to go, and everyone I need to talk to. Last week when I started the first place I went to was the a courthouse in the southern area of San Diego. I thought the sheriffs at the courthouse would be mean and kick me off the steps of the courthouse but they were all really nice to me because they found out what I was doing, which they approved of, since they're getting the same deal, too. I was especially grateful when they let me stand inside when it was in the 30s in the morning and I was out there for 2 hours. Sometimes simple displays of kindness really mean a lot more to me.  Right after that I went to go to talk to some social workers, and for some reason they all had their panties in a bunch and were talking mad shit about how they should all be considered peace officers because they have to deal with the same shit probation officers do. I was in shock because I had never ever heard that argument before. Additionally they did all this finger pointing asking me "what's the UNION gonna do" which I hear all the time. That question pisses me off because the UNION is precisely that, a UNION. A bunch of people that are unified and working together. It's not the staff members that work in an office, it's all of us. I was really irritated because they were jumping all over me and not letting me talk, and being rude on top of that. And anyway, aren't social workers supposed to be nice and caring? What the fuck?

After I left there I went to another office of social workers where the social workers have been a lot more friendly towards me, and I was telling one of the women there about everything that had happened, and she asked me for the names of the social workers that had been rude to me. I was really pissed about one of them, and then turns out the dude I was most pissed about actually works for her. She told me she was going to tear him a new one for being mean to me, and all I have to say to that is: KARMA'S A BITCH MOTHERFUCKER!

The next morning I attended a breakfast that was being hosted by the ICWJ. That stands for the Interfaith Council on Worker Justice. I went to one of their functions before, and I wanted to talk about it on this blog, but it was during election season and I was way too overwhelmed. But the most wonderful thing about this organization is that it's exactly what it calls itself. It's made up of a lot of people of different faiths that are all working together to bring justice and fairness to all working families out there. All the major monotheistic religions are represented, and I have to say it's really overwhelming to be surrounded by so many people of God/Yahweh/Allah that all love and respect each other tremendously, and that love and respect everyone else. It was...enlightening. Most of my experiences with people of deep faith have been painful or disappointing or a combination of the two. But to hear a rabbi joking with a Baptist minister about stealing his lines for his own sermon - well, that was just amazing. There was so much love and acceptance there, that I just didn't know how to feel about it. I basically blue screened throughout most of the breakfast.

Throughout the rest of the week I was either getting beat up verbally, or else given a lot of praise and appreciation. And it would happen one after the other. First shit talking, then I'd talk to someone else who would tell me how wonderful I am, and how glad they are that I represent them, and that I'm awesome. Then the next person would talk shit. It confusing. I guess what's been the overwhelming thing is that I'm surrounded by the two extremes of the very best parts of the human race, and a lot of the worst parts. Lots of love and acceptance simultaneously being received with misperceptions, dislike, distrust, and sometimes hatred. It's so difficult to deal with all that at once because you're constantly being pulled in a new direction and there's no time to set a status quo.

I realize I need to take the best parts of my experiences and hold those close to me, and take the worst parts of them and throw those out. Sometimes it's just hard to let go of the bad feelings and embrace the good ones. As much as I say I don't WANT no drama, why do I find it so hard to let go of being angry and bitter and upset? I don't get it, I mean I had several people I really like and respect give me so much validation and positive reinforcement, and then a few people I don't much care for giving me shit. Aren't the several positive and accepting people supposed to mean more than the others? And yet it's those others that we dwell on the longest.

The one social worker lady I spoke to that has been great to me every time we've spoken told me something interesting. She told me that in order to develop the habit of thinking in more positive directions and not dwelling on the negative, that all I need to do is do it for 30 days. Anything that's repeated over 30 days on a daily basis becomes a habit. She said that I should have a rubber band around my wrist and when I'm thinking on the negative side to just give it a little snap. Nothing too painful, but just a little reminder that I need to change my train of thought. Since that day I've worn one around my wrist.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


Well, maybe not EVERYONE. Not manz or his family. Not you guys. But almost everyone else. I have had a very tumultuous week, lots of highs, lots of lows. I haven't cried yet (because fuck crying, seriously, that shit is weak) although I have been close, oddly for a few good things. But I am tired and hungry and on edge and overall feeling a little bit crazy, and for me, what that means is:

That's right, Hulk smash. I'm still kind of processing and trying to make sense of it all because I've experienced and learned a lot of new things that were good, but also had some drama and things that were bad. Normally they'd even out and it'd be a wash, but because of the intensity of everything it's just made me feel a little smashy-smashy.

Once I've figured out what I've learned I want to share it with you guys. Some of it is some serious "knock you off your status quo loving ass" type shit.

More to come later.