Saturday, March 20, 2010

I Luh Sex Shops. Seriously.



So, a couple of nights ago, manz and I had decided that before we went all hardcore healthy for the wedding (it's next month) that we'd have to at least have a good (aka bad for us) meal before we entered the land of hippies and vegetables. We decided on pizza and there's an awesome pizza place near my apartment, makes all their dough by hand, no artificial ingredients, etc etc. We walked there to pick it up, and on the way back, we went on the opposite side of the street that we had walked up. I noticed that there was a sex shop on that side of the street and told manz that I wanted to go in.

(Sidenote: I have this weird fascination with going into sex shops when I can. One, I like to see the fruits of my labor, aka the movies I've either helped make or market and sell, and two, I also like to see how many stereotypes I'll find. Plus I like checking out all the new toys they have out, and nothing makes me want to have a penis more than when I'm in a sex shop. Seriously. And oh yeah, that lube up there is the best there is. Pornstar tested and approved.)

Anyway, so I asked manz if he wanted to come in with me, or if he wanted to wait outside. I thought he'd want to wait outside, (Midwestern sensibilities and all) but he surprised me by saying he'd come in with me. So we walked in and immediately I noticed that this sex shop was oriented mostly towards gay men, with a few things here and there for straight men and women. When I walked in, I looked at the guy behind the counter and said, "I figured I'd come in, since you already saw me being a creeper outside and all" and he replied, "Nah, you would have been a creeper if you never came in. Do you need any help finding anything or with anything? Do you have any questions about toys and lube?" The moment this comment left his mouth I had to suppress hysterical laughter, and I glanced at manz to see if he was going to say anything. He's usually the smartass and he does on occasion like to take people by surprise by telling them what industry I've worked in. Shockingly, he had the blandest face possible on and didn't even look my way.

The guy at this point had come out from behind the counter and was really asking if I needed anything, probably because he saw me totally floundering (without knowing why, of course) and so I said, "Actually, do you guys have pocket rockets?" (Hey, they're really the best, guys. Forget all those elaborate toys, a pocket rocket is a girl's best friend. For real.) So the guy started showing me their pocket rockets, and going on about the different kinds, and about lube, and I just was dying inside, just WAITING for manz to say something. I kept looking at him, and he kept sort of swaying back and forth, swinging his arms around, kind of. Finally when the guy mentioned pricing, I said, "Yeah, I don't actually know how much any of these cost...um...I've always kind of gotten them for free, you see, I work in the business...but I'm not at a place right now where I can get toys." At that point I was actually uncomfortable because the whole time I was just waiting for manz to burst out with something, and he never did. So I mumbled something about coming back later and we walked out.

Now, I think you guys know already, or if you don't know, I am not exactly a shy person, and I'm certainly never afraid to discuss that I've worked in porn. I'm also pretty foul mouthed too (as you can tell). But my confusion at manz complete lack of reaction in there was just so overwhelming, and nothing's worse than waiting expectantly for something to happen and it doesn't happen. So when we walked out, we walked for about 10 feet and finally I just burst out with, "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!?!?! I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY SOMETHING THE WHOLE TIME!!! I FIGURED YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE SOME KIND OF SMARTASS REMARK OR JOKE, AND YOU JUST LEFT ME HANGING! WTF!"

Manz just said, "Look, I was just having problems focusing in there, I couldn't find a safe place to look...there were GIANT RUBBER COCKS EVERYWHERE! EVERYWHERE I LOOKED THERE WAS A HUGE RUBBER COCK! I was overwhelmed! You know I'm totally cool with the gay, (that's what we call gay men and women because my idiotic dad says that and we think its funny in a stupid way) but even my own comedic brilliance suffers when I'm surrounded by so much COCK for God's sake!"

I DIED.

3 comments:

  1. O M G this is fucking hysterical!

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  2. I love that we had this conversation on the street with people walking around, too.

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