Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Women's Magazines Should Be Written By Men

aHonestly, it's true. It's like Dave Chappelle said:

Chivalry died when women started readin' the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin' about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Come on, man. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so fuckin' much and he'll be happy!

I haven't read one since I was a teenager, and I never will again. Like seriously? Ladies, have you seen the women that write these articles in these bullshit magazines? Older single women, usually...or older women who might be married but aren't exactly happy. The articles and the advertising in them are just engineered to make you feel like shit, and to always feel as if you're never good enough. On top of all that they're always wrong. I think in my time of being raised mostly by and around men, I've got a pretty good idea of what it is that men want, and it's never the bullshit they talk about in magazines or women's talk shows, or anything. It's really not that hard.

Anyhow, I saw these today on the internets and I was dying.

A few points:
-Kegels really are an amazing thing. Seriously. I think men appreciate it when you're able to clamp down on them. Just makes everything feel better.
-Mix A Lot IS right, most men don't want a stick, and honestly I wish they would have used a picture of Jessica Simpson when she had more meat on her bones because she was DAMN FINE then. DAMN FINE. And you know I don't like blondes.
-Guys do need guys-only time for the most part. There are some exceptions, but most regular dudes do need to kick it with their friends occasionally without women getting all up in their shit about it.

Oh, sorry, I was mad distracted by the word HANDJOB right under Scarlet Johannsen's face. (Hey, I'd consider it an HJ if she busted out the DJ diddles on me, knowwhati'msayinn) The only way that would have been more distracting is if it would have said ORAL or something.
So, a few points here:
-Football and/or poker would improve a relationship. Generally if you're tolerant of their hobbies and don't make a big deal out of them, it's a plus. If you actually took a mild interest in his hobbies, it's a plus. If you actually SHARE his hobbies, its a BIG BIG plus.
-I like the bonus. I was taught from a young age by my dad to NEVER EVER EVER nag. My mom's nagging can pretty much make you want to kill yourself on the spot. I've seen so many other women do it to their men in public, which is a crime. I get mad at myself if I ask manz to do something more than once. There are plenty of ways to get a guy to do your bidding without being a nag. Seriously.

I had to save the best for last. I wish they would have used a picture showing my girl B from behind, looking over her shoulder. But I think that the people who did this worked with existing covers, so, alas, no ass shots for me.
-I think the major point here is that Vicky's and their models really don't turn men on as much as you think. I spent a lot of time in production in porn finding out what it is the guys like to see chicks wearing, and then dressing the porn chicks in that. Cute expensive panties don't necessarily always do it for dudes. I think what matters most is how your undergarments fit you. A $2 pair of tight booty shorts goes a long way in a dude's estimation if you got junk in the trunk.


  1. Things that caught my eye:

    1. "Why he didn't friend you on Facebook."
    -Simple. If you freak the hell out over that, that's called a red flag. Run away.

    2. "Why you don't want to marry a guy who listens."
    -Well, I'm SOL.

    3. "Beyonce Talking about her new album or something."
    - Just the dismissive tone of that strikes me funny.

  2. If YOU wrote for a women's magazine I'd read it, and I'm a man.

  3. Stormy: 1 and 3 I agree with, 2, I don't. Brad listens and its awesome.

    iamnot: Thank you kindly sir, that is an amazing compliment!

  4. I try to tell my girlfriend this shit. You SHOULD start a magazine with male guest writers. Then the cover could say things like:

    "Suck Dick Like a Retarded Whore
    what men really want from blowjobs"

    "Most Anticipated Games of 2010
    make your presence bearable by memorizing this"

    Men don't care about that shit"

  5. E-Rich: How about just telling women to suck dick period? I think men all over would be happy if women would just do that as a given.