Saturday, February 27, 2010

I'm Such A Fucking Nerd But You Guys Already Knew That

Today a few awesome things happened, we received the gifts that we bought for our groomsmen in the wedding. Because they were so awesome we decided to get some ourselves.


Yes, we really did get our WoW names engraved on them. Yes, we did.




I swore off energy drinks, but damn if I wouldn't really buy these just because, you know?

Friday, February 26, 2010

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Been Around the World

And I, I, I, I!

So shit has been crazy busy for me in the last week, pretty much writing like 3-5 pages a night to get my thesis shit together. It's crazy. And the continuous wedding planning aka having anxiety about possibly forgetting something important. And my job is good because it's so crazy and I'm always busy, but at the same time I have less time to be angry and rant and rave on this here blog. However. I do have some random ish to share with ya'll that I seen lately.

This shit cracked me up. Manz and I were at the store and walking through the liquor section, and I saw this beer. I'm not sure if it's because I've worked in porn for too long, or what, but the name of this beer sounds like a movie about tossing the salad. Actually, I came up with like 4 different genres it could belong to. But that's neither here nor there.


I saw these the last time I was up in LA for school a couple weeks ago. I had the biggest eye roll ever, because honestly, this shit is not that creative. COME ON PEOPLE, THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER THAN ASS!



Ah, this is an epic story. So the South Park crew came over a few weeks ago to check out the new place, and we ended up playing Dirty Scrabble. Basically you use dirty words or you make up dirty words and you have to say the meaning of them. Megan was doing a great job of coming up with some great ones, like "VAGER", meaning someone who hits the VAG, knowwhati'msayinnnn? Manz and Cece teamed up for "WINNERD" which is basically describing the phenomena of a nerd getting laid. I of course, came up with "CUNT". Who's surprised?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ochocinco Prolly Loves T.O. Even More Now, Because Why Not

I assume you guys have seen this already. But if not, remember that what has been seen cannot be unseen.



WHAT.

THE.

FUCK!

I can't even get started on this bullshit. I just can't. There's too much shit to talk. And I bet you guys know what I'd say anyway.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Women's Magazines Should Be Written By Men

aHonestly, it's true. It's like Dave Chappelle said:

Chivalry died when women started readin' the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin' about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Come on, man. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so fuckin' much and he'll be happy!

I haven't read one since I was a teenager, and I never will again. Like seriously? Ladies, have you seen the women that write these articles in these bullshit magazines? Older single women, usually...or older women who might be married but aren't exactly happy. The articles and the advertising in them are just engineered to make you feel like shit, and to always feel as if you're never good enough. On top of all that they're always wrong. I think in my time of being raised mostly by and around men, I've got a pretty good idea of what it is that men want, and it's never the bullshit they talk about in magazines or women's talk shows, or anything. It's really not that hard.

Anyhow, I saw these today on the internets and I was dying.


A few points:
-Kegels really are an amazing thing. Seriously. I think men appreciate it when you're able to clamp down on them. Just makes everything feel better.
-Mix A Lot IS right, most men don't want a stick, and honestly I wish they would have used a picture of Jessica Simpson when she had more meat on her bones because she was DAMN FINE then. DAMN FINE. And you know I don't like blondes.
-Guys do need guys-only time for the most part. There are some exceptions, but most regular dudes do need to kick it with their friends occasionally without women getting all up in their shit about it.


...
...
...
Oh, sorry, I was mad distracted by the word HANDJOB right under Scarlet Johannsen's face. (Hey, I'd consider it an HJ if she busted out the DJ diddles on me, knowwhati'msayinn) The only way that would have been more distracting is if it would have said ORAL or something.
So, a few points here:
-Football and/or poker would improve a relationship. Generally if you're tolerant of their hobbies and don't make a big deal out of them, it's a plus. If you actually took a mild interest in his hobbies, it's a plus. If you actually SHARE his hobbies, its a BIG BIG plus.
-I like the bonus. I was taught from a young age by my dad to NEVER EVER EVER nag. My mom's nagging can pretty much make you want to kill yourself on the spot. I've seen so many other women do it to their men in public, which is a crime. I get mad at myself if I ask manz to do something more than once. There are plenty of ways to get a guy to do your bidding without being a nag. Seriously.


I had to save the best for last. I wish they would have used a picture showing my girl B from behind, looking over her shoulder. But I think that the people who did this worked with existing covers, so, alas, no ass shots for me.
-I think the major point here is that Vicky's and their models really don't turn men on as much as you think. I spent a lot of time in production in porn finding out what it is the guys like to see chicks wearing, and then dressing the porn chicks in that. Cute expensive panties don't necessarily always do it for dudes. I think what matters most is how your undergarments fit you. A $2 pair of tight booty shorts goes a long way in a dude's estimation if you got junk in the trunk.

Monday, February 15, 2010

VD BS

Well, I'm not that into Valentine's Day, because it ain't a real holiday, (maybe I'd be more into it if we got the day off!) and I think it's some Hallmark bullshit wannabe holiday to make people (ie, men) spend money on useless shit so their women can feel validated through capitalistic superficial bullshit. Needless to say manz and I didn't buy each other jack, but we took the day to sort of just hang out and rest and recharge because shit is hectic right now.

The one thing manz did send me was this, which I thought had to be the best Valentine ever.

Monday, February 8, 2010

FUCK YO' SUPERBOWL! (TL;DR Rant Inc)



Warning: if you thought the Super Bowl was awesome and you were rooting for the Saints, please do us both a favor and stop reading now. I have had contrarian bitch rants before on my blog (for example the Virginia Tech blog posts I did) and it caused me to lose friends. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, so I watched the Super Bowl last night at my boy Ian's apartment, (thank you Ian and Cece!) and there was so much I wanted to say but couldn't last night, and so I'm just going to do my verbal spew here, in a place I feel is safe and where I can pretty much say whatever the fuck I want. Because I am ANGRY and disgruntled about a lot of things and have some mad shit to talk.

Before I talk my shit about the actual game and the teams, I will start with the show itself. First of all, why did Jim Brown look like he was made out of Play Doh like 3 days ago? His forehead was MAD cracked and it was tripping me out. Also, when is someone going to tell Dan Marino to just PLEASE STOP with the spray tan? Man, seeing that dude on an HD screen just made it worse because he was SO ORANGE.

Onto the performances. I liked Latifah's rendition of America the Beautiful, but honestly, I was pissed this morning to hear all these morning talk show hosts talking shit about how she was singing and not rapping, and why is she being so fake and not REAL and from the hood like she used to be. And also, I am hoping that one day American embraces real looking women. I think those of you that know me at all have a good idea that I am not a hater on other females. I love women in that sense. But really though? Carrie Underwood? What's the big deal with her? I just don't get it. Maybe since I grew up in Cali I'm not exactly partial to blondes. (Since there are a fuckton of bottle blondes in LA) Maybe because I don't LOVE country music. Maybe because I'm secretly a communist and hate America. I have no idea, but I am not feeling her at all. She's just a regla looking chick to me. She's not ugly, I can see that she is pretty, but otherwise she is completely unremarkable to me. And her outfit was...I don't even know what to call that bullshit other than hope it was a tribute to MJ. And manz said her hairstyle was from the future, which made me LMAO. Lastly, because I'm a little bit of a vocal snob since I love to sing, I gave her a FAIL for her performance of the Star Spangled Banner because she did not hit the right note at the end. That kind of shit is acceptable at the beginning of a song, maybe the middle, but one of the last notes? Nuh uh.

And the halftime show...*facepalm* Really? The Who? A BRITISH BAND? Don't get me wrong, I like their music, but I don't LOVE them as much as everyone else last night did. I'm not sure if it's a nostalgia thing - although if it is, if you were not alive during Woodstock, then shut up. Or maybe it's a white thing? Their song choice was terrible, they were old and could barely perform, and the only reason the last few Superbowl halftime shows have been lame is because the NFL is too scared of the outrage of middle America for another wardrobe malfunction to actually book anyone relevant to the times for the event.

Now for how I felt about the teams themselves. Because of a previous friendship that ended badly with someone who MARKED OUT for the Saints and Reggie Bush, I was not rooting for them. Additionally, I do not feel that they were the "underdog" like the media blitz surrounding them was trying to portray them. Underdog? Really? According to the American Heritage Dictionary, the term "underdog" is defined as: "One that is expected to lose a contest or struggle, as in sports or politics" or "One that is at a disadvantage". Now, I don't know about you, but I don't consider winning 13 games in a row being at a disadvantage. I also don't consider having a top tier QB on your team a disadvantage either. So GTFOHWTBS about the Saints being an underdog.

And furthermore, why was I supposed to feel sorry for the Saints because they're a New Orleans team? Why was I supposed to feel like they "deserved" a win because of what happened to New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina? Sure, any region that suffers a catastrophe could definitely use all they can get in terms of things that raise morale. But you know what, did people who were repeating shit this morale shit they heard from the media ever even THINK about New Orleans and the victims of Hurricane Katrina after 2005 prior to yesterday? Yeah, I didn't think so.

And how does rooting for millionaire athletes to win the Super Bowl (and get even more money) help New Orleans outside of that? It would be a different story if the money the players were getting were going directly to the city of New Orleans to help them recover. But that's not the case. And you know what? After 9/11, the media blitz was NOWHERE near as big supporting either the Jets or the Giants, and people all across American weren't exactly rooting for the Jets or the Giants to win the Super Bowl. 9/11 brought down the morale of the ENTIRE country, but no one gave a shit about the Jets or the Giants winning a Super Bowl. All of the people who were getting teary eyed that were not residents of New Orleans can suck my nonexistent cock. There are natural disasters and catastrophes that happen all the god damned time all over the world, and most Americans could give a shit about that. I honestly believe that if Hurricane Katrina had hit a little south about 600 miles east to the coast of Mexico, that no American would care, nor would they be rooting for the Mexican soccer team to win the World Cup. So go fuck yourself with your trying to tell me that I should feel sorry for millionaire football players. Ethnocentric American fucks!

Whew, I feel tons better now. I just had to get all that out, because somehow I'm always the one contrarian bitch who never believes in sharing popular opinion, and it gets hard to hold all that in and be nice. (Stop laughing, Stormy, I am TOO nice on occasion.)

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Conversations With...

This is a segment of my blog where I talk about discussions I've had with other people. Or perhaps they're conversations I overheard, or conversations other people have told me they had. But basically, these are all going to be about shit I find interesting or thought provoking or funny in some way.

Convo #1:

This is a convo that my boy Ian had with a friend of his who's this crazy adventurer dude.
Michael: I'm going here tomorrow to break in and take pics
Ian: What the hell? I want my house to have missile silos, that is TRUE baller shit
Michael: Yea no shit, there are a lot for sale
Ian: Why are people selling this shit?
Michael: Who knows...that one looks fucking sick!
Ian: I wonder if the missiles come with the property or if you need to buy those yourself on the black market or something
Michael: They probably know some people with cold war era missiles or some shit
Ian: That would be rad, I'd totally buy a tank or two just for decor purposes - Move over Michigan militia there's a new crazy on the block! Oh, automatic weaponry? How cute, with the push of a button I could take out Cape Cod, but nice pea shooter though, really.

Personally, I think what makes this whole conversation is Ian's last comment. Comedy gold.

Convo #2:
The next one is a conversation I had with manz about a week ago or so:
Me: Does it mean I'm ethnocentric that I love people who have accents when I don't expect it? 'Cause there's this Indian man with a hardcore British accent on the Colbert Report right now, and I keep thinking how awesome it is. (Yes, I know that India was a British colony, but he sounded as if he were born and raised in England)
Him: I don't know, that's too big a word for me to know.
Me: You know what ethnocentric means!
Him: Sorry, I'm only doing 8 characters or less today. (This was hilarious enough to me, on it's own, but it got better.)
Me: Oh ok, hmm, lemme explain it: it just means that you think your own worldview and culture is what's "normal", and also you view others and other cultures through the perspective of our own.
Him: So basically it means American.

I love that man. What's funny because its so normal for me that Americans are ethnocentric that I didn't even think to cut that long explanation short and just say "You know, how Americans are." Which apparently, according to him, would also have been an acceptable choice for an explanation.



Thursday, February 4, 2010

Public Service Announcement

Guys, take it from a chick. Before you take another woman home, please, PLEASE clean your balls.



(PS. Can you believe this commercial is for real? I couldn't.)

(P.P.S. I think those of you that know me would know that with my ball envy, this commercial is pretty much the best commercial EVER. EVAR.)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Well, GOOOOOODDDDDDAMMMN!

I'm tired as fuck, I slept like 2 hours last night, and then had to wake up early and get to work so I could train the newbies I hired on Friday. *sigh* I got nothing today except a lot of drool, so check this out. Well, only check it out if you're an ass man. Like me.

Let it buffer and then wait till it gets to around 2:00. HOMINA!