Thursday, December 31, 2009

Best Gift Idea Ever.

You know, as much as I hate my boss, I do love my company sometimes and the company culture. When I saw this I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Conversations With...

This is a new segment of my blog where I talk about discussions I've had with other people. These conversations are all going to be about shit I find interesting or thought provoking or funny in some way.

Now, most of these people you regla readers of my blog (all 3 of you) will know of and recognize, and some you won't, but pretty much everything I will be posting in this segment will be real conversations with real people. And so, I have the following disclaimers to make:

The following program contains content that may be inappropriate to some viewers. Parental discretion is advised. (But you already knew that.) The characters and events in this are purely fictitious, any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coinicidental. (Not really. Well, kinda sorta in a way, but not really.) No real animals were harmed in the making of this segment. (No, I don't know why I used this one, except it was hilarious when Pago mentioned it.)

Conversation #1:
So my first segment is both thought provoking and hilarious. The thought provoking shit is that I was talking to Stef about music at the wedding and at the reception. I told her I had a lot of dance type music already that I was sure all the chicks at the wedding will be into. Things I downloaded on the spur of the moment because the estrogen was high at that point in my cycle and whatnot. You know, things like Kelis' "Bossy", and the "Lady Marmalade" remix. So Stef said, there are two kinds of music you like, the kind you tell other people you like, and the kind you don't admit that you like. I fully fully realize this is the case, but had never thought of it before. And, well, because of the fact that I HATE posers and people who think they're too cool for everyone else, and because I ALSO hate hypocrites, I will now list 5 songs that I am ashamed that I like and would never previously admit to liking. (However, most of this stuff I only listen to when I'm slightly drunk. So there.)

Alanis Morrissette - "You Oughta Know" (When I was angry and drunk that song was the shit)

An American Tail Soundtrack - "Somewhere Out There" (Shut up. That shit was sad when I was a kid.)

Bow Wow - "Fresh Azimiz" (Yeah. I like it. A lot.)

Britney Spears - "Toxic" (Whatever, every chick loves that song in the club!)

Dave Matthews Band - "Crazy" (C'mon, we all have a little drunk overly emo college freshman inside of us)

Okay, I can't bear to go through the rest of the alphabet to admit my secret shame.

Conversation #2:

In a three party conversation with manz and Pago today, Pago mentioned that he was watching season 2 of Arrested Development. Then he mentioned how hilarious it was that the Bluth's lawyer ran over Tobias. At that point manz called when he was on lunch and the rest of the conversation went like this:

Me: (to Pago) How about the lawyer being the FONZ though? And he's so gay!
Pago: How do you go from being the Fonz to that?
Me: (to Pago) Idk but I think it's awesome.
Me: (to Manz) So Pago just asked me how you go from being the Fonz to a gay lawyer.
Manz: I think it has something to do with cock. The Fonz was an overcompensating alter ego.
Me: *dies*

Yes, one of the reasons I am marrying that man is his crass (and totally awesome) sense of humor.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Ho, Ho, Homina Homina

Courtney Cummz was the sweetest girl ever, and one of the most accommodating when I worked with her, but had not quite...developed this nicely yet. If only I would have known that her gaining 10 pounds would have turned out this way, I would have fed her skinny ass some cheezburgers back then. Ah well, hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Merry Fucking Christmas

The rest of this week I decided to give ya'll (and me) some eye candy for the holidays.

I admit I stared at this pic for about 10 full mins before manz caught me.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Player X

So a few months ago some pimply kid came to our door looking for some help 'cause he's going to college and selling magazine subscriptions, blah blah blah. Well to get him the hell out and to make manz happy, I decided to get him a subscription to ESPN magazine, which has turned out to be a pretty good investment for what it was worth. (I think like $9?) Anyway, although I do like seeing the occasional half nekkid chick being sporty in there, there have been some interesting stories and segments, and the most recent segment that manz brought to my attention was the Player X segment they have. In the Sept '09 issue, they brought in a random NFL player, totally unknown, but also totally a star, who answers questions honestly. Their intro to it was the following:

I am Player X.

I'm a professional athlete, and I'm here to give the readers of The Magazine my perspective -- an NFL player's perspective -- as honestly as I can.

It's a little crazy of me, to be honest. No one knows I'm doing this -- not my teammates, coaches, family or representatives -- but I think it's important. Why? Because people talk about athletes all the time, but a lot of them don't know what they're talking about. I want to share what athletes think, straight from inside the locker room. I'm not here to snitch or call people out. I just want to show that the life of an athlete isn't always what it appears to be.

I just have to say, I LOVE this column. HThere's all kinds of speculation on the interwebs as to who Player X is, from Keith Bullock, Anquon Bolden, Larry Fitzgerald and Clinton Portis. But whoever this guy is, he's candid, sometimes brutally honest, and he talks some mad shit about some players and teams, but its good to hear the things he's said. So far he's talked about Mike Vick, rookie hazing, violence, team chemistry, how to spot NFL contenders and in this issue, Tiger Woods.

The main point of the article is that most NFL players are shocked at how poorly the whole Tiger Woods situation has been handled. He feels Tiger should have handled things more like Andy Pettite, instead of Roger Clemens. He also explained what goes down in within the NFL when something like this happens to an NFL player. For example, as crazy as the NFL is being on lockdown with all their rules and fines and bullshit, he did have this to say:

Every year the league briefs us on what we should do if we get in trouble. First rule: Avoid it. Don't get caught in clubs with bad track records. (Players are always talking with one another about problem joints.) Stay away when someone famous is throwing a party, especially an entertainer; famous people attract the wrong crowd. If it's a low key affair, fine. But if there's buzz, don't go.

Second rule: Know who to contact. All teams have player reps you can call 24/7, who can inform the team and the union that you have an issue. There are also former law enforcement people who work for every team as security personnel. (Manz says that the Browns had a Secret Service agent!) They can advise you on how to limit fallout. It doesn't hurt to get to know your local cops, too. I know players who've been pulled over for reckless driving, who've gotten into fights, and it was erased from the system. We all thought that Tiger, of all people, would get the same type of cover. Guess not.

It'd be great to find out one day who Player X is, but with as much honesty as he's put out there, from the inside, I don't think he'd ever real himself, unless he retired. Still, I wonder.

Friday, December 18, 2009


So this segment of my blog, which may or may not happen on Fridays, and may or may not happen weekly, is about the things I happen to be angry about that week. The things I'm angry about any given week, or day, for that matter, are numerous and sundry, as I'm sure any of you who either A: know me personally or B: have read this blog know quite well.

For today's Fuck Yo' Friday, I'm too angry about too many things to talk about in one post, but I thought I'd share a little bit of awesomeness that I heard this week.

In England, they have a show called X-Factor, which is basically their American Idol. Now, just like American Idol, when the person who wins X-Factor makes an album, it goes to #1 or to the top 10. Unfortunately, I think we all know that the people who win these types of shows are generally semi-talented, but lose whatever personality and charm they might have on their own when they become over-produced and over marketed generic pieces of shit.

A couple in England, Jon and Tracy Morter, have decided that this is bullshit and, because they're fans of Rage Against the Machine, have decided to launch a campaign keeping Jon McElderry, the recent winner of X-Factor off the charts for this Christmas. They've decided to try and make "Killing In the Name Of" #1 this Christmastime. I am so on board with this because I too am sick of the overproduced crap known as music these days, and also because "Killing In the Name Of" is my favorite RATM song. I tried to buy it to help out, but unfortunately there were issues in my itunes store going from US to UK.

Here's the Facebook group for the cause, if you're interested. And this is the recording done on BBC Radio with RATM themselves.

PS. I love that they cursed even though they were told not to.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

End of the Week Pron: Summertime!

I thought we could all use a little pick me up in this winter weather. I will say that I must be like a 13 year old dude on the inside, because chicks and cars in the same picture is like OMGWTFBBQ. Also, sure she's got a great ass, but...doesn't she have a nice smile too? To me this says, "Hey, I'm a nice girl, but I can be naughty too." RAWR!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

^5s: Last 5 TV Shows I've Watched

So as I've always said, I do feel that television is the opiate of the masses, and all that. However, because watching bad porn all day is horribly mind numbing, I've decided to make work go quicker by trying to watch television shows at work on the DL. Because, I figure, I need something to distract me from the monotony of hairy man taint, stretch marks, and bad tit jobs. But, you know, I've found that there's something to be said about television lately, because there do seem to be a lot of good television shows on the air. If I'm going to watch television, I do like television that either is really clever in the way they make you laugh, or else television that makes you think. So here's my ^5s list on the last 5 TV shows I've watched and the order in which I enjoyed them.

5. How I Met Your Mother

I started watching this show because I was told that manz and I remind people of Marshall and Lily. And my Samoan cousin Pago told me that NPH on this show is just classic. I was also told by Stef that this show takes some time to hit its stride, but its worth it once it does.
My verdict: You know what? They were all right. Manz and I have a relationship that is very similar to Marshall and Lily. NPH IS just classic on the show, and it did take a while to hit its stride, but its really very funny. I think in terms of personality I'm most like the character Robin on the show. And I think the one thing that annoys me on the show is Ted. MY GOD is he a poor pathetic example of a single man. The worst part is I think he's very similar to most single men these days. Which is sad.

4. 30 Rock

I had heard all about this show and how awesome it was for a couple years now, but of course I'm all about not believing the hype. And plus, it was billed as a sitcom, and I just HATE sitcoms. However, for some reason I had NO IDEA that Tracy Morgan was on this show. It was because manz told me that he was, that I even listened to Stef when she was telling me how hilarious it was. Of course I ran it by my Samoan cousin and he gave it the thumbs up as well.
My verdict: This show is really, really good. It was good from the beginning, they get great guest stars, Tina Fey is great, Alec Baldwin is AMAZING, and Tracy Morgan is hysterical. I wish I knew whether or not they ever wrote lines for him, because I swear that he just adlibs everything.

3. Big Bang Theory

So an ex-friend who's now been sanctioned first put me up on this show, but he hyped it so much I almost didn't want to watch it. I finally did after the recommendation of a fellow geek back when I was on Twitter. I was prepared to be disappointed because whenever pop culture portrays nerds or geeks its never realistic.
My verdict: This show is fucking amazing if you are a nerd or geek yourself, or if you ever knew one. It's very true to life in terms of what nerds and geeks are like, and what their hobbies are. And the characters are likable, and the plots are funny and upbeat, but not in a patronizing, "we have to hit you over the head because you're a stupid American" kind of way.

2. Modern Family/Arrested Development

So I tried out Modern Family on a whim, because Stef told me that it was a show on network television showing a gay couple raising a child. And that it was hilarious. Pago also informed me this was the case, and one of them, I don't remember who, said it was reminiscent of Arrested Development. Now, I had never watched AD till this year, because I had been putting off. The reason why is because manz had done so much hyping of that and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". Well, we tried "It's Always Sunny" first, a couple of years ago, which I found to be a dismal failure. It was nowhere near to being this epically hilarious television show that I expected it to be.
My verdict: Both shows are GREAT, and they seem to have a similar feel to each other. I love the random wacky humor, and the "You could never guess the plot of this episode" type of hijinks because it's always a toss up, but fortunately, it's also always funny to me. I've gotten never ending laughs over both of these shows. Modern Family continues to totally astonish me with just how good a show it is. I guess the reason I love them both is because they're both about family, and dysfunctional sort of families, but they're never really overly gay. Although I admit an episode of Modern Family left me feeling like EXTRA gay and like I might have had some dust in my eye or something.

1. Battlestar Galactica

Oh, Battlestar! How I wronged you for so long! How I acted a fool by not wanting to be a bandwagoner! I put it off for 4 years, but finally succumbed to the pressure of watching BSG this year after manz raved about it, as well as Dart. We had a gift certificate to Borders and after I bought a fuck ton of books I still had $20 left so I bought the miniseries. Let me tell you right now, that experience changed my life.
My verdict: This show is the BEST GOD DAMNED SHOW I have ever seen. No contest. Yes, I don't watch much TV, but the last show I lvoed this much was the X-Files in its heyday, and I have to say, BSG outstripped X-Files at its finest. Better writing, better acting, better special effects, better action, and a FAR better ending. It really did change my life and how I view sci-fi shows. (Before now, corny.) It's the best damned show I've ever seen, and I highly advise those of you that haven't watched it to do so. STAT.

Well, because I've watched so much TV lately, I feel the need to detox by going on a reading binge. I just read some pretty amazing comics and books I'll be talking about soon.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

*le sigh*

You know what's sad about this piece of art? That it's basically true. I think that's the worst part for me because I feel as if we (and by we I mean Americans) are so obsessed with multimedia and pop culture that we don't care about anything else. As I've said before, television is the opiate of the masses. It helps us not think of all the terrible things going on in other parts of the world. It keeps us distracted. And it works. To get away from the horrible environment of my workplace, I've been watching a lot of TV shows, mostly comedies, to keep me from being angry and wanting to do some sort of physical violence to my boss. But that's another story.

But I figure as long as there are people out there who use their brains to really think about things, and to be curious as to what's going on in the world away from their TV sets, then the human race can't be as doomed as I fear, right?

Friday, December 11, 2009


Dude. I had a fucked up week. An upper respiratory infection that's been hanging around for weeks turns into a RAGING sinus infection. That shit was so hardcore disgusting the Physician's Assistant took one look inside my sinuses and VISIBLY recoiled. I don't know what all is in there, but it must be some pretty horrific looking pus. When I was at the doctor's office there was a gang of old people sitting around being old and cranky and ridiculously stupid. It was all the kind of people who were talking shit to Obama about the public option and not taking away their Medicare. Idiots.

Anyway on top of all this bullshit I had to write a 10 page paper for one class and a 5 pager for another class, due on the same day. How fucked up is that? And if you wanna know how truly fucked up that is, Katlin, who is like that ONE SMART BASTARD in all your classes who throws off the curve (no, that's not me you fuckwad) even SHE didn't know what the fuck to do with this 10 page paper.

Lastly I had to tell the people at my internship that the old Vietnamese man, who's 87, decided he wanted to play a game of grabass with me to end the nice time we had trying to help out the community. You know how fucked up and awkward that is? Telling two separate people the account of how a shriveled old man decided to grab my ass TWICE, and I was so confused about it I didn't knock him the fuck out? If you're wondering why I didn't knock him the fuck out, it's because the first time it happened I thought it was an accident. Then the second time it happened I had these thoughts in my head: "What the fuck? Did that just happen? Why the fuck is an 87 year old man even thinking about asses? How can a man that old even be pervy?" And by the time I was done thinking it, we had already gotten to my car. Either he was smooth, or I was ridiculous for even thinking that much and not knocking him out for laying hands on my person.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Brazilian Booty

You know, I don't normally like blondes. And I don't normally like tan lines. But there is something MIGHTY FINE about this girl.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

Sgt. Roger Murtaugh, I salute you!

As people who watch How I Met Your Mother may know, there is a thing called the Murtaugh list, which is comprised of shit that you are too old for. I've realized that one of the things on that list is drinking and walking around, and then staying up till 3 AM.

Manz and I went down to South Park to hang with our peeps, during what they call a Walkabout. It's basically a time where all the vendors in the neighborhood display their wares, and everyone in the neighborhood comes out to socialize and sample the wares available. For me, that consisted of a hot toddy, a shot at the bar, an ass kicking Dirty Shirley, mixed with a bean and cheese burrito, a chocolate cupcake, and a s'more. Yes, a s'more. How awesome is it that I got to roast my own marshmallow and put it together myself? I felt like I was 10 again. Fucking sweet.

Unfortunately this is kinda how I feel this morning. But, I don't regret it. Good food, good drinks, good friends, all in all it was a good and fun evening, which worked out well 'cause I've been having a FUCKING TERRIBLE WEEK. I just hope this means that the coming week is better than the last. Because if it isn't I am so going Falling Down on THAT ASS.

PS. I would like to say at this time that I really miss Mel. I love the girls but I am not too girly, so watching Made of Honor for part of the evening kind of did make me want to gouge my own eyes out. Thank god there was discussion of sports, comic books and video games the rest of the evening to prevent me from ovulating repeatedly. (^5 to you, Ian!)

Friday, December 4, 2009


So this segment of my blog, which may or may not happen on Fridays, and may or may not happen weekly, is about the things I happen to be angry about that week. The things I'm angry about any given week, or day, for that matter, are numerous and sundry, as I'm sure any of you who either A: know me personally or B: have read this blog know quite well.

It's been almost 2 weeks since I posted here, because I was having a kind of emo sort of moment. I'm having a hard time finding a new job, especially one within my field. Of course things will be different once I actually get my Master's, but I'm finding more and more reasons to leave my current job. Which puts me in a bind because I won't be graduating for 6 months. I haven't had to actually search for a job for several years - the good thing about working in porn is the fact that it's a very small community, so it's easy to get work. And no, I don't want to continue working in porn. And it's not that I don't like porn, because I do, I love it. Its just that working in porn isn't what you think it is. Watching porn all day does NOT mean you get to watch all the chicks you like fucking your clone all day. It means having to watch all the gross fetish stuff you don't like, the type of sex you don't like, and worst of all, a combination of the two - in my case, low class whores with ass herpes fucking older men with hairy assholes. If you had to sit there for 8 hours a day watching that shit all day, you wouldn't think watching porn was an awesome job, either. (However, where can I sign up for a job watching only my favorite porn chicks fucking a clone of me all day? That's what I'm tombout!)

So, turns out finding a job in my field, Mediation/Conflict Resolution is a lot harder than I thought it might be (again, especially with no Master's.) It sucks because I don't know anyone, and this is the first time I've had to job hunt for a while like I said, AND because it's like getting a job for the first time in your life. Why? Because you HAVE NO EXPERIENCE. All these awesome jobs doing things I want to do are out there, and not ONE PERSON will even have me interview because I've got no professional experience in the field. SO frustrating. Most of the jobs in the field I'd like have to do with helping what they call "at risk children/teens" aka "kids who live in the hood" not fall into the hood lifestyle, or take up with gangs. I want to do work in the underrepresented communities to help people who NEED help. I want to help people come together and help people of different nationalities who have to live in the same neighborhoods learn how to respect each other's lives and cultures.

Lastly it just seems like random shit that isn't necessarily great keeps happening. I haven't had a piece of good news in a while, and I feel like I'm due. I know my life doesn't suck BALLS right now, by any means. I'm much happier in most ways than I've been in a long time. But man, can't a sista catch a break here?

And, oh yeah, I got to hear from my family this week, too. Nothing like a maniacally crazy family tracking your ass down and contacting you to really just fill you up with holy holiday spirit. Or in my case, filling you up with rage and homicidal desire.

Anyway, I guess what took me out of the funk was the very simple idea that I have to keep remembering every so often. It's really all about attitude and your perspective on things. I can be pissed off and frustrated and depressed simultaneously like I have been for the last couple weeks, (and c'mon, I'm we really need that combination when I'm already overly aggressive and violent?) or I can decide to be happy about the things I have and try not to feel like hulking out every time my boss acts like a passive aggressive biatch. I'm gonna try and stay positive and see if this works. If not, don't be surprised when I show up on the news.

PS. Anonymous person who said "more posts" - this one was for you.