Thursday, April 30, 2009

My Nude Celebrity Wishlist

So, this story on popcrunch a few weeks back, spawned a long and angry monologue of mine, partially inflicted on manz and Quintin. Quintin's response was that the guys that wrote it were, and I quote, "pimply faced, keg guzzling, frosted tipped, super saiyan haircut having college frat boys with a very limited DVD collection of DVDs from the years of 1997 to 2000...these are the types of guys that make Matthew McConaughey movies successful." He went on to give this message to those retards at popcrunch:

"These are the types of guys who watch Bromance with a glass of wine and some Ben & Jerry's with their "hetero" male friends, and I say hetero in quotes because they seem more concerned with impressing each other than the woman that are interested at the time which can only be a sign of some deep seeded homosexual desires they cannot address because it's "unnatural" but you know what little guy it's all right that secretly you like to be teabagged by your "best bro" because we accept gays and lesbians because we as intellectuals realize that you should be happy, and if that takes a couple of balls to your forehead to make that happen then you go out there and reach for a pair."

I laughed. I cried. I flatlined. But I digress. So I don't have a list of 20, but I DO have a list of 15. You might see a few "glaring omissions" but I had to keep the list timely. As in they've done something serious in the last few years. By the way, you idiots at popcrunch, did you PURPOSELY exclude women of color? Seems so. Anyway, here's my list of women I'd like to see naked. Now, I would hope that anyone reading this knows the difference between being curious as to what a woman looks like naked, and actually wanting to make sweet love to her all night long. (Or just a quick wham-bam-thank you, ma'am.) These are in alpha order by first name. Here goes:

Beyonce Knowles


I'm not on the bandwagon of people that hate B. I can't hate her. I realize she's everywhere these days. I used to hate Destiny's Child with a passion, but you know what, B's really come into her own. So why do I want to see her naked? I want to see what her body REALLY looks like without all the fetish gear, and clever concealing of most women's problem areas. Plus I have to know if she's got some serious ass or not.

Devon Aoki

Ah, Devon, I didn't like you in F&F but I REALLY did in Sin City. Perhaps it was the fact that she was dangerous. Perhaps it was because she looked so exotic. I don't know. She's not my type but I'd definitely like to see her sans clothes.

Eva Mendes


I was kind of over her hotness till I saw the pics I posted about a while back. Eva Mendes + Sophia Loren style = EPIC WIN. This was one but if you're interested in seeing the rest of those pics, go here.

Grace Park


Now I don't generally dig on Korean chicks. As I've said many times before, I like women to look womanly. Not like 12 year old boys. Most of them don't have a lot of sex appeal to me. I have seen several that were smoking hot, but in general, they're just not that great. Grace Park, on the other hand...she SHO NUFF does have that je nais sais quoi. I'll be checking you soon when I buy BSG, Grace.

Halle Berry


Okay so you already saw her tits. So what. Tits do not a woman make. I want the whole thing. It's Halle Berry, man. Need I say more?

Hayden Panettiere


I'm a little embarrassed to admit this but despite a few features of hers that I'm none too fond of in girls, I think it was the cheerleader outfit that did it for me. I don't EVER dig the little girl look, but man, she sure did work it.

Keira Knightley


Keira Knightley is SEXY. Those EYES. That mouth! That face! She does need to eat about 10 cheezburgers, but I think if she was naked in front of me I'd just stare at her for a good 20 minutes. That is all.

Kerry Washington


Kerry Washington needs to be cast more. She needs more photo shoots. She's SO underappreciated and undercast. Then again, so are most minority women in Hollywood. She's got this, "I know something you don't know" look that really makes me wish she were naked so there'd be less mystery. Yes, I'm weird.

Lauren London


Ah, New New. So young. So fly. So adorable with minimal amounts of makeup. She's such a REAL looking woman, and I imagine naked it's the same way.

Maggie Q


Maggie Q gets similar reasoning as Devon Aoki. She's SO GD exotic. I think it's because she's hapa. And, she looks HOT with a gun in her hand and kicking ass. What's not to lust after?

Natalie Portman


Ah, Miss Natalie Portman. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Over nine thousand. WAY WAY over. I loved her (aka thought she was sexy) when I saw her for the first time in Leon aka The Professional. (Yes, when she was 12.) And since then she's just gotten more and more sexy. EVEN BALD in V for Vendetta.

Rachel Weisz


Rachel Weisz has character. It shows on her face. She looks like she has a sense of humor and is a bit of a hardass. Both of which to combine to = sexy to me.

Rosario Dawson


OH BABY YOUUUU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED! Homina, homina, homina. *insert nerdgasm here*. She wears glasses. She loves comics. She's a Trekkie. I mean...to someone like me, and to a lot of men I know, all of her combined attributes mean...well, insert your own fantasy here.

Salma Hayek


Much like Halle Berry, I don't think I need to say much on Salma Hayek's hotness. It speaks for itself.

Thandie Newton


The eyes. The skin. The elusive half smile. THE ACCENT. HELLO? Are you with me?


Personally I think my list beats the living fuck out of popcrunch's list.

9 comments:

  1. You, ma'am, fucking rock.

    This list is almost EXACTLY the same as my list, bar none.

    And the fact that I'm no longer in the state of mind thinking I was weird and alone for falling love with Natalie Portman in Leon?

    This is why I would fucking clone you. Right HERE.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pago the FrakkerMay 1, 2009 at 1:35 AM

    Great freaking list!

    I would frakk (BSG ref.) all the girls on this list.

    Sidebar: Tell me why my cousin gave me this wtf-are-you-looking-at-child-porn-for look when Hayden's pic w/ the hula hoop came on the screen.

    And cosign She Hate Me on the Natalie Portman.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @shehateme ^5! And thank you for all your props. Really.

    @Pago: I have loved Natalie long taimz now. I'd frakk most of the girls on my list, too, to be honest. And LOL @ your cousin's look.

    @marcus: Well Beyonce almost didn't make it herself, I only went with relevant and working actresses.

    ReplyDelete
  4. These 15 are ALL on my Top 100 list. Great work.

    One.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Devon Aoki could get skeeted on 12 times. Mmm, Devon Aoki. . .

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Dart: Thank you sir, thank you. That's honestly high praise coming from yourself.

    @E-Rich: She COULD use a cheezburger or two. Just sayin.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow. Fantastic list.

    We might be brother and sister from another life, maybe even twinz... I haven't ever put a list like this together (my girl would murder me for it, or put hitz on every girl on the list...) but if I did, it would be this list. You're missing Eliza Duskku, Maya, and Jenna Van Oy, though.

    -ere'bodee's favorite mega, blogninja
    http://twitter.com/tangomega

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Tango: Keep in mind, this is MY list of people *I* personally want to see naked. Therefore, since I agonized about it for 2 weeks, I am not missing anyone. If I'm missing people, make your own list!

    Eliza Dushku is not attractive to me. Mya is an R&B artist and not a Hollywood actress. Jenna Von Oy is not a current working actress and therefore not relevant to this list.

    ReplyDelete