Sunday, April 12, 2009

l2gamerspeak You Terribad Noob

A few weeks ago I wanted to talk about something I read on some random website. It was an article written supposedly by a gamer, telling noobs how to understand trash talk.

Since I don't remember the link, and because any REAL gamer out there would /wrists after they read it (for fear of being mistaken as being of the same ilk as the retard who wrote the column) I suppose it doesn't matter. I'll just c/p the relevant points here.

PWN: As in, "pwned" or "I PWN YOU." Perhaps the most common bit of trash in the consonant-only lexicon, but why make "own" into "pwn?" Some say the move was to get around the limitations of game servers using insult filters.

Uh, who says that? As far as I know, pwn originated as a common misspelling of the word owned. Much like using "teh" or "pron", amirite?

w00t: You can say it "woot" or "w00t," while the much more game-nerdy version uses 1337 zeroes. Some say the phrase comes from hackers referring to "root"; others say it's an old "Dungeons and Dragons" role-playing phrase that went "woot, loot!" To avoid sounding like you're a moron, don't say "woot, loot!" Used as a little celebratory whoop, it's something you say when you're a little happy. Finished a quest? w00t! Kicked someone's ass in Team Fortress 2? w00t! Had sex for the first time? w00t w00t!

*facepalm* Uh, there are a few explanations for this one and I've never heard the D&D one, but that doesn't mean anything. Also, I don't think it's an acronym, either, like for "We Own Other Team". The more game nerdy version uses zeroes? Well, in most of the gaming I've done in the last few years, I don't think the zeroes are even used anymore. Same with the word "n00b". Nobody uses the zeroes, all the gamers I know use "noob" or "nub".

Teabagging: More a technique than an expression, it's exactly like real-world teabagging: You squat your crotch down in someone's face. Except in the gaming world, you do it in front of someone who's dying or already dead. Charming. And a joy for the corpse-to-be, for sure. It all started in "Battlefield 1942" when players realized that, by crouching right on someone's recently fallen body, you'd get a look of unmistakable balls-to-the-face.

Uh...WHAT? Teabagging has been around for a LONG TIME. I think it's been around since Quake 2, since from what I understand that was the first game you could crouch in, which is essentially what you're doing when your character teabags someone. Well, that and sitting and standing up repeatedly, which is what people do in WoW.

FTW: You'll scream it at the end of a death match, or just to cap a sentence. It can mean "F--k the World," or "For the Win," or hey, maybe it means "Flip the Whip" for all anyone knows. The most common use is "For the Win," and it means exactly what that sounds like: It's a fist-pump declaration of undeniable success. It's gaming's ace shot. Use it when you've just blown someone's brains out, or just when you think you've got a zinger. "Bagful of grenades, ftw!" "Yr momz hott, ftw!"
*headdesk* It DOES NOT MEAN FUCK THE WORLD! Maybe to some non gamers out there, but it has ALWAYS meant "for the win" and also it's WTF backwards. It's also just a celebratory or appreciative exclamation. "Headshots, ftw! Horde ftw!" or "nom noms ftw, liquor ftw" Etc, etc. *sigh*

FAIL: It's now our nation's calling-card expression, but before its memehood, "FAIL" was good old-fashioned gamerspeak. Originally an Engrish ending to the Neo-Geo game "Blazing Star": "YOU FAIL IT. YOUR SKILL IS NOT ENOUGH. SEE YOU NEXT TIME. BYE-BYE!" That saying was a little too long for quick typing, so "FAIL" became used instead. Which is a shame, because "BYE-BYE!" would be fun, too. Usage: Basically, after anything stupid and self-destructive, say "FAIL." There's even a blog and YouTube channel named after it, proving it has shark-jumped.

Wait, what? It's our nations calling card expression? I mean, a lot of people DO say it, but I would hardly say THAT. Not only Americans say it. And also, shark jumped? DUDE. The YouTube channel and the Blog are from the SAME PEOPLE. The ones that created lolcats and icanhascheezburger.

Zerg: As in, "The gang is Zerging down to Gamestop to pick up some limited-edition 'Street Fighter IV' boxes." Now that "Starcraft II" is coming out this decade, it's time to dust off a little nugget from RTS history. To Zerg is to blitzkrieg the hell out of someone, to gang-rush, to flash-mob. In "Starcraft," the alien Zerg race's best tactic was to stage a massive onslaught before defenses could be formed.

Who is using zerg a shit talking phrase? And how? And why? It's a DESCRIPTION of actions, you idiot.

Pew Pew: As in "pew pew pew pew!" It's the sound frickin' laser guns make, get it? Inexplicably, it's "World of Warcraft"'s term (despite having no frickin' laser guns) for kicking ass and pwnage. If someone says "pew pew" to you, it's like they slapped you in the face, and you should act accordingly. "Less qq, more pew pew" is WOW's way of saying "less crying, more raging." Save it for those you feel you can dominate (with cutesy laser-gun sounds, that is).

First of all, it's PEWPEWPEW not PEW PEW. (Well, unless you're like "Cry more noob, less QQ more pew pew) And it didn't originate in WoW, because um...THERE ARE NO LAZERZ IN WOW. *gasp* Not sure where it originated from but I believe people started using it in Eve Online.

LFG: On a quiet night in suburbia, a man logs on to "World of Warcraft" and wants company for a quest or two. "LFG," he calls out to no one in particular, meaning "Looking for Group." Will his answer be called? It depends on what he wants a group for. And anyway, there are elaborate menus and lobbies for getting the group you're looking for, so the answer's yes. Still, it sounds so needy ... because without a group, it's a lonely world out in MMO-land.
THAT IS NOT TRASH TALK. That is all. How is looking for a group to do an instance TRASH TALK?

Then he goes on to say state trash talk he'd like to see enter the gamer speak lexicon. Here's a few fucking lame examples:
C Y/N? Like "Continue" at the end of those arcade games that would suck up all your quarters.

ET HOL: Not a form of alcohol, no, no. We mean "E.T. Hole." The worst game of all time, "E.T." for the Atari 2600, had one of the most annoying time-sucks ever: E.T. would randomly fall in holes, and to get him out could take minutes of neck-stretching and praying, making you want to burn your face off. For similar traps and wastes of time, use this warning. Gamer: "Let's go in!" You: "NO! ET HOL!!

Um, this guy was a 50 year old loser who made $ writing this article because he told his boss he was a gamer, except all he knows how to play is Rockband and Guitar Hero. Fucking terribad excuse for a noob loser.


  1. I believe an alternative interpretation of QFT would apply to the guy who wrote this.

    Quit Fucking Typing.

  2. Have u ever been in a video?

    ( i just finished reading your interviews and stuff )

  3. @Stormy: LMAO

    @Anonymous: That would be a negative. I am not in front of the camera, never have been, never will. I'm BEHIND the camera.

  4. Oh so what do u do videography, make up artist ? Assistant

  5. Also why wouldnt u go on camera, and do a scene?

  6. @Anonymous: I'll answer your questions, because it seems that we're not acquainted, and I think those people that have gotten to know me, even online, prolly already know the answers without having to ask.

    I have done everything in the adult industry other than perform. Sales, marketing, PR, post production, pre production, BTS, PA, PM, etc, etc.

    Why would I not actually perform? #1, Because I'm not a performer. I don't want fame or recognition. #2, I'm too old. You may not be aware of how much you actually put your body through, because it's not NATURAL sex. It's choreographed. If you've ever danced normally and then performed a choreographed dance routine, you'll know what I mean. You gotta start that shit young. #3, no matter how much you enjoy something, you lose enjoyment of it once you start getting paid for it. It's natural and it happens. Once it becomes an obligation, it ceases to be enjoyable. I would never want that to happen for me.

  7. Dang i didnt think porn was that hard... Pause... But yeah you had alot of valid points

  8. Last question. ( sorry )

    Do u still work for vivid? Or do u have your own company?
    With your experiance i wouldnt b surprised

  9. @Anonymous: Okay with you using PAUSE I KNOW you're a fellow reader of TSS. You have to be! Who you be?

    But no, I don't still work for Vivid, and I don't own my own company. Adult is cool, but not what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm in grad school at the moment. :)

  10. Dang u stay busy! Good luck with grad school

  11. LOL @ someone being Anonymous asking you questions *no shots*

    But fail is so awesome. I haven't been on WOW though. I might get into that later.

  12. @Malcolm: They don't call it World of Warcrack for no reason, fam. I would not suggest starting that up till you were on break. I got @shehateme and @niccolus playing on my server, though!

  13. "ET HOL"

    Could someone just stab me in the eyes? I mean, he's already ruined my life with that. What the fuck would I need eyes for?

  14. I read this HELLA long ago but I didn't comment on it. I knew about very little of this in depth but I knew that cat didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. This was great BTW.


  15. @E-Rich: I know. I was pretty much thinking the same thing when I read this.

    @Dart: Yeah, this is like a couple months old. That's what I mean by the fact that I have backlog! Should get better now that I'm on break from school. And thanks.

  16. Not that Urban Dictionary is an academically credible source, but this is a gd article on the internet so who the fuck gives a damn about being that. But someone send the guy here:

  17. I knew this guy in college who literally spoke L337 speak. He would say pwned (puh-honed), LOL, ROFL (raw-ful), WTF, BTW (bee-tee-dub), etc.

    It took a lot for me not to facepalm the shit outta that muthafucker.

    I'm a gamer, but I also have the decency to at least speak actual English in the real world.

  18. @Flovvie: I would, except some of the entries there are wrong, too! I happened to look up FTW and they listed Fuck the World, too.

    @Pago: Ho noes! I speak some leetspeak or internetspeak IRL, but usually only to close friends. What I do A LOT is the lolspeak. *sigh*

  19. Daime.. who made this shit sure is a friggin' nerd IRL.. heheks SO YE GL WITH THAT NERD.