Thursday, April 30, 2009

My Nude Celebrity Wishlist

So, this story on popcrunch a few weeks back, spawned a long and angry monologue of mine, partially inflicted on manz and Quintin. Quintin's response was that the guys that wrote it were, and I quote, "pimply faced, keg guzzling, frosted tipped, super saiyan haircut having college frat boys with a very limited DVD collection of DVDs from the years of 1997 to 2000...these are the types of guys that make Matthew McConaughey movies successful." He went on to give this message to those retards at popcrunch:

"These are the types of guys who watch Bromance with a glass of wine and some Ben & Jerry's with their "hetero" male friends, and I say hetero in quotes because they seem more concerned with impressing each other than the woman that are interested at the time which can only be a sign of some deep seeded homosexual desires they cannot address because it's "unnatural" but you know what little guy it's all right that secretly you like to be teabagged by your "best bro" because we accept gays and lesbians because we as intellectuals realize that you should be happy, and if that takes a couple of balls to your forehead to make that happen then you go out there and reach for a pair."

I laughed. I cried. I flatlined. But I digress. So I don't have a list of 20, but I DO have a list of 15. You might see a few "glaring omissions" but I had to keep the list timely. As in they've done something serious in the last few years. By the way, you idiots at popcrunch, did you PURPOSELY exclude women of color? Seems so. Anyway, here's my list of women I'd like to see naked. Now, I would hope that anyone reading this knows the difference between being curious as to what a woman looks like naked, and actually wanting to make sweet love to her all night long. (Or just a quick wham-bam-thank you, ma'am.) These are in alpha order by first name. Here goes:

Beyonce Knowles

I'm not on the bandwagon of people that hate B. I can't hate her. I realize she's everywhere these days. I used to hate Destiny's Child with a passion, but you know what, B's really come into her own. So why do I want to see her naked? I want to see what her body REALLY looks like without all the fetish gear, and clever concealing of most women's problem areas. Plus I have to know if she's got some serious ass or not.

Devon Aoki

Ah, Devon, I didn't like you in F&F but I REALLY did in Sin City. Perhaps it was the fact that she was dangerous. Perhaps it was because she looked so exotic. I don't know. She's not my type but I'd definitely like to see her sans clothes.

Eva Mendes

I was kind of over her hotness till I saw the pics I posted about a while back. Eva Mendes + Sophia Loren style = EPIC WIN. This was one but if you're interested in seeing the rest of those pics, go here.

Grace Park

Now I don't generally dig on Korean chicks. As I've said many times before, I like women to look womanly. Not like 12 year old boys. Most of them don't have a lot of sex appeal to me. I have seen several that were smoking hot, but in general, they're just not that great. Grace Park, on the other hand...she SHO NUFF does have that je nais sais quoi. I'll be checking you soon when I buy BSG, Grace.

Halle Berry

Okay so you already saw her tits. So what. Tits do not a woman make. I want the whole thing. It's Halle Berry, man. Need I say more?

Hayden Panettiere

I'm a little embarrassed to admit this but despite a few features of hers that I'm none too fond of in girls, I think it was the cheerleader outfit that did it for me. I don't EVER dig the little girl look, but man, she sure did work it.

Keira Knightley

Keira Knightley is SEXY. Those EYES. That mouth! That face! She does need to eat about 10 cheezburgers, but I think if she was naked in front of me I'd just stare at her for a good 20 minutes. That is all.

Kerry Washington

Kerry Washington needs to be cast more. She needs more photo shoots. She's SO underappreciated and undercast. Then again, so are most minority women in Hollywood. She's got this, "I know something you don't know" look that really makes me wish she were naked so there'd be less mystery. Yes, I'm weird.

Lauren London

Ah, New New. So young. So fly. So adorable with minimal amounts of makeup. She's such a REAL looking woman, and I imagine naked it's the same way.

Maggie Q

Maggie Q gets similar reasoning as Devon Aoki. She's SO GD exotic. I think it's because she's hapa. And, she looks HOT with a gun in her hand and kicking ass. What's not to lust after?

Natalie Portman

Ah, Miss Natalie Portman. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Over nine thousand. WAY WAY over. I loved her (aka thought she was sexy) when I saw her for the first time in Leon aka The Professional. (Yes, when she was 12.) And since then she's just gotten more and more sexy. EVEN BALD in V for Vendetta.

Rachel Weisz

Rachel Weisz has character. It shows on her face. She looks like she has a sense of humor and is a bit of a hardass. Both of which to combine to = sexy to me.

Rosario Dawson

OH BABY YOUUUU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED! Homina, homina, homina. *insert nerdgasm here*. She wears glasses. She loves comics. She's a Trekkie. I someone like me, and to a lot of men I know, all of her combined attributes mean...well, insert your own fantasy here.

Salma Hayek

Much like Halle Berry, I don't think I need to say much on Salma Hayek's hotness. It speaks for itself.

Thandie Newton

The eyes. The skin. The elusive half smile. THE ACCENT. HELLO? Are you with me?

Personally I think my list beats the living fuck out of popcrunch's list.

Engrish IZ HRD

So, because I'm a bitch and because I like making fun of my people, (although as a sidenote, who doesn't love making fun of your own people) I present this HORRIBLE video of a Korean dude singing Mariah Carey. I'll be honest. I only got 2 minutes in, myself.

Monday, April 27, 2009

<3 Being A Gamer

I fucking love being a gamer. I mean, aside from playing video games, which is amazing, I love the gamer mentality, and the attitude, and the whole lifestyle.

Nothing expresses this MORE than this right here: (And in related news, I feel the same way about gaming and gamers as stated by Mr. Pinkhaired Kitteh. Shit is ridiculous these days.) (Oh, and in other related news, I LOVE the Colbert Report, too which is what makes this extra good to me.)

What I HATE about being a gamer (and a comic book lover, and a hip hop head, and a sports fan *siiigh*) is this kind of fucking mentality right here:

I mean, I get the rivalry, I get the loyalty. But me personally? I'm thinking that a definitive gamer really just loves to play games. And that means games on any platform. Any console. Even PCs. Or Macs for that matter. Whatever. The point is, you just love playing games PERIOD. End of story.

And last but not least. Am I wrong for laughing at this?

Okay, I know I'm wrong, and I love Nirvana, but it can't be too soon. *raises eyebrow and strokes chin* Or CAN IT? DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Nerdgasms & Cameltoe

Two epic conversations of note that I’d like to share:

A few weeks ago I was talking to manz about going to Comic Con for all 4 days. I told him that as far as I was concerned, all the conventions I’ve been to in the last several years just got to be mind-numbing after the 2nd day, and I hate people, and everything I needed to see could prolly be seen in one day. It continued as follows:
Manz: Um, of course you’d be over it after a day or two. ALL the conventions you’ve been to in the last several years have been PORN CONVENTIONS!
Me: Yeah, so?
Manz: Listen to me. It’s not gonna be the same as that. One, you’re not going for work. Two, you’re not traveling to Vegas to basically just go see your co-workers, we’re staying here in SD.
Me: *interrupts* YES, but it’s the same concept!
Manz: *ignores interruption* THREE, they have different shit every day. There’s speakers, they’re presentations, et cetera, et cetera.
Me: *rolls eyes* They have the same shit at AVN and Erotica LA!
Manz: So you’re telling me you wouldn’t want to go see Frank Miller talking about what he was thinking and feeling as he was putting together Sin City or Dark Knight Returns?
Me: Ohh…*thinks* Well, now that you put it that way…*begins nergasmic fantasy*
Manz: I guess it’ll essentially be the same type of people actually attending though, if you think about it. Except in Vegas they say, “Oh hi nice to meet you, I jacked off to you so many times!”
Me: Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout Willis? You think I wouldn’t say the same shit to Frank Miller?
Manz: *dead*

A week or so after that, I was talking to Miss Shivvy about the difference between her job, and my job.

Me: How funny, it's okay if you're playing a game at work, but prolly not some hardcore porn, but it's vice versa for me. I minimized Restaurant City JUST as my boss walked by and pulled up some video real quick.
Shivvy: We're actually fine with porn content at work if it is work related. i.e. right now i'm working on sexually explicit content reports. the range goes from softcore to hardcore and gory stuff
Me: What, like you’re sitting there and watching porn?
Shivvy: well if we have to evaluate it. it's not ok to just sit there and watch it for self pleasure lmao
Me: Wait, what? Evaluate it? But that’s what I do! aw so your job IS better than mine
Shivvy: well, i mean sometimes we have to consider on what level some of the softcore stuff is, we've had discussions such as "how much cleavage is too much cleavage? How much camel toe is too much camel toe?"

Monday, April 20, 2009

It Doesn't Have to Make Sense On A Monday


This got a chuckle out of me, in spite of me waking up extra cranky this morning. That has to stand for something, imo.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Azn Female Shenanigans

Courtesy of Miss Shivvy (<3333 yew Shiv!) I bring to you some news from my peeps in South Korea. (Yes, SOUTH. If you even try to act like I might be from North Korea I'll punch you in the throat.) So apparently they just introduced parking spots JUST for women that are designed to be bigger for those women drivers who have horrible depth perception and spatial relations.

All hilarity and jokes aside, Shiv & I decided that the reason that most girls, especially Asian girls can't seem to drive or park or anything is not so much because they don't have the skill. (After all, look at me. No, I'm not bragging, but my car is scratch and dent free, and all my cars for the last decade have been, too. And I haven't been in an accident since I was a teenager.) I think the real reason is a sense of entitlement, of thinking it's okay to not pay attention because everyone else will, and that nobody cares if you screw up or screw around because you're a girl. And I've heard women make this case, and no, I'm not kidding. It's that Princess attitude. "Oh well, it's okay if I'm not paying attention, OTHER people are, right?" *giggles and covers mouth daintily*

Kill me.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Ass Makes Everything Better...?

So in my online travails this week so far, I came across a boxcover for a company I used to have to work with. (FYI, I hate this company. I hate the owner, he's the biggest fucking douchebag on the planet and I hope he does in a fire.) They've come out with the most wrong, racist, stupid, lame titles for their movies, but I'm torn as to whether or not this one is a good one or not.

They're filling a REALLY small niche out there. For those of you who are into MILFs and like having your salad tossed by one, this is the title for you, I guess. I was faintly disturbed by the bottle of salad dressing in the picture though. I mean, man ass + salad dressing can't be good.

I guess they made up for it because another release from the same month was this title:

PS. I will personally kick the ass of anyone trying to say this girl is fat, especially if your reasoning is that her back skin is folded. ANYONE in that position will have their skin fold. It's inevitable. And yes, I've heard men bitch about things like that. C'mon people, it's NATURAL.

PPS. This company's box covers are pretty good but their movies are terrible and look like they were filmed on someone's camera phone. So, if you feel like DLing some of their ish, it'd make me really happy if you did it illegally.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

l2gamerspeak You Terribad Noob

A few weeks ago I wanted to talk about something I read on some random website. It was an article written supposedly by a gamer, telling noobs how to understand trash talk.

Since I don't remember the link, and because any REAL gamer out there would /wrists after they read it (for fear of being mistaken as being of the same ilk as the retard who wrote the column) I suppose it doesn't matter. I'll just c/p the relevant points here.

PWN: As in, "pwned" or "I PWN YOU." Perhaps the most common bit of trash in the consonant-only lexicon, but why make "own" into "pwn?" Some say the move was to get around the limitations of game servers using insult filters.

Uh, who says that? As far as I know, pwn originated as a common misspelling of the word owned. Much like using "teh" or "pron", amirite?

w00t: You can say it "woot" or "w00t," while the much more game-nerdy version uses 1337 zeroes. Some say the phrase comes from hackers referring to "root"; others say it's an old "Dungeons and Dragons" role-playing phrase that went "woot, loot!" To avoid sounding like you're a moron, don't say "woot, loot!" Used as a little celebratory whoop, it's something you say when you're a little happy. Finished a quest? w00t! Kicked someone's ass in Team Fortress 2? w00t! Had sex for the first time? w00t w00t!

*facepalm* Uh, there are a few explanations for this one and I've never heard the D&D one, but that doesn't mean anything. Also, I don't think it's an acronym, either, like for "We Own Other Team". The more game nerdy version uses zeroes? Well, in most of the gaming I've done in the last few years, I don't think the zeroes are even used anymore. Same with the word "n00b". Nobody uses the zeroes, all the gamers I know use "noob" or "nub".

Teabagging: More a technique than an expression, it's exactly like real-world teabagging: You squat your crotch down in someone's face. Except in the gaming world, you do it in front of someone who's dying or already dead. Charming. And a joy for the corpse-to-be, for sure. It all started in "Battlefield 1942" when players realized that, by crouching right on someone's recently fallen body, you'd get a look of unmistakable balls-to-the-face.

Uh...WHAT? Teabagging has been around for a LONG TIME. I think it's been around since Quake 2, since from what I understand that was the first game you could crouch in, which is essentially what you're doing when your character teabags someone. Well, that and sitting and standing up repeatedly, which is what people do in WoW.

FTW: You'll scream it at the end of a death match, or just to cap a sentence. It can mean "F--k the World," or "For the Win," or hey, maybe it means "Flip the Whip" for all anyone knows. The most common use is "For the Win," and it means exactly what that sounds like: It's a fist-pump declaration of undeniable success. It's gaming's ace shot. Use it when you've just blown someone's brains out, or just when you think you've got a zinger. "Bagful of grenades, ftw!" "Yr momz hott, ftw!"
*headdesk* It DOES NOT MEAN FUCK THE WORLD! Maybe to some non gamers out there, but it has ALWAYS meant "for the win" and also it's WTF backwards. It's also just a celebratory or appreciative exclamation. "Headshots, ftw! Horde ftw!" or "nom noms ftw, liquor ftw" Etc, etc. *sigh*

FAIL: It's now our nation's calling-card expression, but before its memehood, "FAIL" was good old-fashioned gamerspeak. Originally an Engrish ending to the Neo-Geo game "Blazing Star": "YOU FAIL IT. YOUR SKILL IS NOT ENOUGH. SEE YOU NEXT TIME. BYE-BYE!" That saying was a little too long for quick typing, so "FAIL" became used instead. Which is a shame, because "BYE-BYE!" would be fun, too. Usage: Basically, after anything stupid and self-destructive, say "FAIL." There's even a blog and YouTube channel named after it, proving it has shark-jumped.

Wait, what? It's our nations calling card expression? I mean, a lot of people DO say it, but I would hardly say THAT. Not only Americans say it. And also, shark jumped? DUDE. The YouTube channel and the Blog are from the SAME PEOPLE. The ones that created lolcats and icanhascheezburger.

Zerg: As in, "The gang is Zerging down to Gamestop to pick up some limited-edition 'Street Fighter IV' boxes." Now that "Starcraft II" is coming out this decade, it's time to dust off a little nugget from RTS history. To Zerg is to blitzkrieg the hell out of someone, to gang-rush, to flash-mob. In "Starcraft," the alien Zerg race's best tactic was to stage a massive onslaught before defenses could be formed.

Who is using zerg a shit talking phrase? And how? And why? It's a DESCRIPTION of actions, you idiot.

Pew Pew: As in "pew pew pew pew!" It's the sound frickin' laser guns make, get it? Inexplicably, it's "World of Warcraft"'s term (despite having no frickin' laser guns) for kicking ass and pwnage. If someone says "pew pew" to you, it's like they slapped you in the face, and you should act accordingly. "Less qq, more pew pew" is WOW's way of saying "less crying, more raging." Save it for those you feel you can dominate (with cutesy laser-gun sounds, that is).

First of all, it's PEWPEWPEW not PEW PEW. (Well, unless you're like "Cry more noob, less QQ more pew pew) And it didn't originate in WoW, because um...THERE ARE NO LAZERZ IN WOW. *gasp* Not sure where it originated from but I believe people started using it in Eve Online.

LFG: On a quiet night in suburbia, a man logs on to "World of Warcraft" and wants company for a quest or two. "LFG," he calls out to no one in particular, meaning "Looking for Group." Will his answer be called? It depends on what he wants a group for. And anyway, there are elaborate menus and lobbies for getting the group you're looking for, so the answer's yes. Still, it sounds so needy ... because without a group, it's a lonely world out in MMO-land.
THAT IS NOT TRASH TALK. That is all. How is looking for a group to do an instance TRASH TALK?

Then he goes on to say state trash talk he'd like to see enter the gamer speak lexicon. Here's a few fucking lame examples:
C Y/N? Like "Continue" at the end of those arcade games that would suck up all your quarters.

ET HOL: Not a form of alcohol, no, no. We mean "E.T. Hole." The worst game of all time, "E.T." for the Atari 2600, had one of the most annoying time-sucks ever: E.T. would randomly fall in holes, and to get him out could take minutes of neck-stretching and praying, making you want to burn your face off. For similar traps and wastes of time, use this warning. Gamer: "Let's go in!" You: "NO! ET HOL!!

Um, this guy was a 50 year old loser who made $ writing this article because he told his boss he was a gamer, except all he knows how to play is Rockband and Guitar Hero. Fucking terribad excuse for a noob loser.

Friday, April 10, 2009

We're the Architects Of Our Last Stand

*Edited to add link to my old post*

So, now that I'm off of school I have more time to sort of bring a little more variety of stream of consciousness to the blog like I do when I have more time to write. However, it seems that in between the time before school started and now quite a few more people have been coming to check it out, which is always nice. But I'd just like to inform anyone reading of what to expect from me and from this blog overall. Some of you have missed my older, more reflective, TL;DR posts, and they're going to be making a comeback. With that said, I have something people should read, partially pulled from my post a couple years ago on the Virginia Tech shootings:

"There's a war going on for your mind
Those who seek to occupy it will stop at nothing
The battlefield is everywhere
There is no sanctuary, there are no civilians
You have two choices:
Surrender or enlist"

My father, in his teachings of martial arts to me, often said two phrases that I always thought were the corniest shit I had ever heard. They now seem very applicable. "Your greatest enemy is within you" and "No pain, no gain". For those of you that CANNOT think outside of the box, that persist in being held back by traditional ways of thinking, are not open minded, and just want to be led like sheep, don't bother reading this blog, because you won't understand it, and more than likely it will upset you quite a bit.

Furthermore, what I mean by repeating those two statements my father made is simply that, its true that your most fearsome enemy is yourself. Only you have the capability of lying to yourself and hurting yourself more than anyone ever could. Only you have the ability to pull the wool over your own eyes and persist in propagating your own ignorance. All the things that I have to say, and all the things I think about are probably going to upset most if not all people, but you know what? Too bad. There is no growth without some pain, hence the term GROWING PAINS. There is no advancement without some suffering. If you can read what I have to say and understand it, then I commend you for being an individual, someone able to THINK. I don't ask that you agree with me, only that you really and truly think about what I have to say, even if it makes you mad, even if it upsets you. ESPECIALLY if it does those things.

The reason I think about certain things and talk about them, is because I'm trying to get people to think about the things they don’t want to is because I DO want to try and do what I can to help prevent these types of terrible things from happening. And if you hate me or are angry with me for it, fine. All I can say is I’m not surprised, and I don’t blame you. But I'm not sorry. If I’ve mad you angry, if I’ve at least made you think, then I’ve done something. And maybe if this makes you talk to someone else about it, then even better. As Malcolm X once said: “Usually when people are sad they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change." I know I’m angry. I almost hope you are too.

"When I wanna shut out this world, wanna rip up this page
Wanna pour out this heart, wanna get up on this stage
And my lips become percussion, and my fists become the rage
And I pound on this table, 'til it gives me something to say
Then I think about things that Ive seen
Right in front of me
That I don't wanna believe
Gimme one of these mics
Let me let em know
The way that it is, is not how its gonna be
Not if we don't let em get ahead of us
The present tension's no threat
Its just a fence across the path
That we're already ready to walk
Rock solid footsteps
Let 'em put up obstacles
And prove that it isnt possible
Fuck that
We dont give in anyway
True liberty and freedoms at stake
Peace will never become passe
Live my life until my last day"

Thursday, April 9, 2009

For My Amusement

...And well, I suppose anyone else's too. So I was talking to the Head of Production at my company, and he says, "Hey, I have to send you something, but let me know when you open it. " I get the email. I open it. I stare at it for about 15 seconds, laugh hysterically, then hit him up. I'm curious. I say, "Okay...I opened it. So...?" He says, "Whenever a guy wants to break you off and you're not that into him, be sure you let him know that before he does, you expect him to do this."


Is this what Kells meant by 12 Play? No wait, that's the pee on you part. Nevermind.

PS. Damnit...this is supposed to be an animated GIF, but it's not showing up as such in my browser when I'm looking at it in my blog. Well if anyone wants the actual GIF file, hit me up.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Ladies: Take My Advice, PLEASE.

To all the ladies out there, of any sexual orientation, do yourself and your sex partners a favor. PLEASE MAINTAIN YOUR PERSONAL GROOMING. All you need is soap and water to clean, and trim those hedges while you're at it. Nobody wants to see the head of a 70s basketball player between your legs when you pull your panties down. And for those of you who say that there's supposed to be hair there, yes. But not a flaming bush...nobody's talking to God when you pull your panties down. And think on 2 things. One, do you really want your sex partner to floss with your pubes? Two, you know the smell of a wet dog when it comes in from the rain? Well, consider that when being glad of the length of your lower half locks.

See? These girls are happy and excited to trim their hedges.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Win Win

So yesterday, one of my friends who's a director sends me an email, entitled: This Is Win Win. Now, being that it was April Fool's, I wasn't sure if I should open it up, considering that he's also the friend who sends me weird, disgusting, disturbing shit. I don't know what he browses on the interwebs, but I'll say this: no matter how weird, disgusting, or disturbing, it's usually interesting in some way. Well, except for the one time he sent me video of an elephant man guy with these HUGE DISTENDED BALLS. *shudder* That was just sick.

Anyway, he texts me and tells me to just open the email, so I did. And this is what was enclosed:

This IS win win.