Tuesday, March 10, 2009

HULK SMASH! + *facepalm = COMBOBREAKER!



Because I'm still a little mad about the whole situation last week, I'm just gonna break it down fairly simply, because otherwise I will never get out what I want to say.

I'm a project manager. Right now we're about to go live on the project I'm working on, and we need to do so by the first week of April. Last week, our vendor that we've been working with to get everything going started making various mistakes, and wouldn't you know it, it also happened to be the same week my boss' wife went into labor. So what does this spell for me? Business trip.

On a sidenote, I had met with our vendor reps, 2 different people from 2 separate companies that are working together. When they showed up to the meeting, I profiled them both right quick like I generally do with people. The woman was wearing fake eyelashes, had fake tits, and was wearing 4 or 5 inch stilettos. The guy was a middle aged tech nerd overcompensating for his nerdiness. He had a buzzcut, was wearing Abercrombie, and came to the meeting on a crotch rocket. *insert eyeroll here* As the meeting wore on, I realized that both the chick and the nerd were the kind of people that adore small talk. I also realized the nerd was one of THOSE people who thinks he's the funniest motherfucker alive, and laughs at all his own jokes.


Anyway. Moving on. The night before I'm due to leave, the chick lets me know that I'll actually be flying up with the nerd. Oh noes. HO NOES. The morning of, I'm late. I get to the airport an hour and a half before my flight leaves, but spend almost 30 minutes trying to figure out San Diego airport, since it was the first time I had flown out of there. Finally I said fuck it, and parked in the lot across the street from the terminal. The $25 a day one. Yes, that one.

I get into security. I get in line. The woman in front of me is taking off every article of clothing and jewelry she has on, practically, and I'm not interested in the least, because she's middle aged (not into MILFs much 'round these parts) and she's very very very heavy. I'm standing there waiting, because in all the other airports I've been in recently, there's no such thing as cut-sies in the security line. About 10 people are behind me, impatient, when one of the women in security says very loudly, "JUST COME FORWARD ALREADY!" I'm embarrassed. Turns out, there are cut-sies in the SD airport security line, and I just made all 10 people wait. Lovely.

I get to my gate. A woman from Southwest is getting all angry on the mic like she's a rapper with beef. She's telling us in a loud and angry voice (which is even louder and angrier on the speaker) that they're short on time (who's fault is that?) and that we had better be ready to board at any moment because otherwise we'd be stuck there for TWO HOURS because their window was short. I rolled my eyes of course. Meanwhile I'm trying to hide in the corner so the nerd doesn't find me.

He finds me anyway. Damnit all to hell. We get on board the plane, I put my bag up, and turns out, it's TOO GOD DAMNED BIG. *sigh* There are about 30 people behind me trying to get on (I'm in the middle boarding group) and all of them have just been yelled at by the angry woman on the mic, too, so they're impatient. The stewardess finally asks me if there's stuff I can take out of the bag, and I nod, and with a little embarrassment take a stuffed dog out of my bag. (His name is Scruffy. No one better talk shit or else I will cut you.)


Thank SOMEONE, but I didn't have to sit next to the nerd. The flight is crazy bumpy. We finally get to Vegas. The chick picks us up. I elect to sit in the back of her car, and her and the nerd are wearing me out with their chit chat. Turns out this chick has a spending problem, she loves to spend all her discretionary money on shopping. She's also one of those moms who has like 4 nannies and doesn't spend time with any of her children. I start getting annoyed.

We get to the hotel, check in, and go to lunch before we hit their offices. During the lunch, I don't say much, but the subject of video games comes up. The chick turns to me and says, "I just DON'T GET video games, you know? They're SOOOO BORING. Like, what's the point?" Annoyed with everything thus far, I say nothing, and a little while later she asks me what I do for fun. I turn to her and smile my fakest cheese smile and say, "Actually, I play video games. Pretty much every kind possible. I have a 360, a PS3, AND I play video games on my computer. About 4 different kinds." Her smile almost falls off but she says gamely, "Oh...well, that's nice...what else do you do for fun?" I reply, "Read comic books. Watch sports." and shrug. Her smile falls off even more and she says a little weakly, in the brightest tone possible, considering, "Well! That must mean you're popular with the guys!!!" Sick of her shit, I say, "Actually, yeah. I don't have ANY female friends, practically. I get along MUCH better with men." She nods and says, "OMG so do I!" I just finish eating. I realize that the chick and the nerd have upper class majority mentality, since they start talking about "the help" and their "girls" that they have as their nannies and housekeepers. Come to find out these "girls" are middle aged Hispanic women. You know what minorities are good for, is for the majority to exploit, right? Oh, and apparently, since she's part hapa but acts white, Asians are apparently no longer minorities. So we can talk trash about the OTHER minorities. I try not to explode.


After an eternity we finish lunch. We go to the office. I realize that this chick is a gold digging, trophy wife. (Well, almost, they're not married yet.) Her "partner" is her fiance, and he's the one that runs the show. He's in his 60s, has very thin hair, just had cataracts removed, and has CRAZY crooked teeth, as well as that "old man" smell. Wonderful. He's very nice to me since I'm the client, everyone is. I spend some time working there and we head back to the hotel. I tell manz and one of my like, three girlfriends about my day, and my girl tells me, "Well, it could have been worse, just remember that." Little did she know.

Next morning we head over to the office, I don't see the trophy wife, but have to hang with the nerd till she gets there at 1. Meanwhile, one of THOSE kind of creepy dudes that works there tries awkwardly and unsuccessfully to engage me in some conversation. I really want to run away screaming, but manage not to. Trophy chick arrives and we go to lunch. Turns out her aunt and the creepy guy are coming, too. Oh joy.

We get to the restaurant across the street. As we're eating, during the 2 hours, I was subjected to an onslaught of ignorance, stupidity, blind hatred, and overwhelming amounts of racism and classism. First the aunt, (who by the way, has a MUSTACHE!) starts talking about how ghetto and crime infested the OC is, where they used to live. Say what? I just say, "Oh, I understand, I'm from Oakland and LA." She says, all self-righteously, "Oh, I don't know about THAT, Orange County is MUCH worse than that." Huh? In what dimension?

Then the trophy bitch decides to break us off with some knowledge. Were you aware that gay men are gay because they were molested as children by disgusting gay pervy men? Oh yeah, I didn't know that. And as a result, they're now all "weird in the head". That's why they're like that, you see. Now, I don't care WHAT you think about gay men, but to say that they're ALL like that because of that ONE reason? Get the fuck out of here.

She goes on to drop another nugget of truth on us. Did you know that black actors get their jobs by having homosexual sex with gay Jewish producers? There are so many fucked up things about that statement that I lost count. And oh yeah, trophy bitch thinks I must be used to the ghetto because I go to school in Carson. Which you know, is heavily "ethnic". And oh, black people are GHETTO. Hadn't you heard? Here, let me do an impression of a loud black girl, and wave my arms in the air, in front of two black couples that are sitting beside us.

At this point, I am fuming. Of course it's okay for her to talk shit about minorities because SHE is a minority and she grew up in the HOOD (of OC), right? But she's only hood sometimes, when she wants to talk some shit about other minorities. It doesn't have to make sense, of course.

There was so much fucked up shit wrong with what was coming out of this bitch's mouth that I didn't even know what to do. Most of my reactions were visceral, from rage. I wanted to beat the living shit out of her. What, because I'm ASIAN, I'm no longer a minority, right? And why the hell should I care about shit talked about other minorities? It's not like I'M black or Mexican. So I shouldn't care at all, oh no.


Just thinking about it pisses me off all over again. I was with this bitch for another day before I left early and went home. There wasn't much more, but of course I flew home with the nerd. As we left SD airport to go to the parking lot, there were some Hispanic protesters outside, protesting on behalf of janitorial rights, and for benefits for their children, you know, to invest in their future. Of course he had to talk about it. "Whose future are they talking about, and why do I care? Oh well, at LEAST they're speaking ENGLISH so you can understand what in God's name they're SAYING."

...

The only thing that made it better was seeing my friend Stormy on night #2. He, along with a few other peeps on Twitter, kept me from wholesale murder. So thank you: Stormy, SdGeek, Dart Adams, Quintin, Tangomega, drtrauma, and Marcus.

This biatch fails. She fails at life on epic proportions.

5 comments:

  1. ROFL... wow. That was amazing. You have an amazing amount of fortitude and I appreciate you giving me a personal kudo in the blog for it, but you've been that same way for me on Twitter. Seriously, I enjoy your tweets and I'm trying not to let people see I have favorites, but I do. =) Really good blog, but that's why I'm subscribed anyway!

    -ere'bodee's favorite mega, blogninja
    http://twitter.com/tangomega

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  2. That was incredible. You're amazing for that.

    Seriously, job or no job, that couldn't have been me.

    I would've snatched her up and folded her like a cheap card table.

    Kudos to you for being everything I'm not, which is almost... everything.

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  3. Damn airport security. Imagine how much fun you could have had with a katana or dual desert eagles. Oh and a cage full of doves.

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  4. I love this blog! *Throws hat in the air*

    One.

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  5. All I have to say is, you guys are THE BEST. SRSLY.

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