Thursday, September 25, 2008

Me, the Misogynist. Kind of.

Yes, I am. And yes, I am really a girl. And yes, I DO know what "misogyny" is. It's defined as:

mi·sog·y·ny - [mi-soj-uh-nee]:
–noun
hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women.

And I have to say that I fit all three types. I can't STAND most females, and depending on the female it ranges from either intense hatred or mild dislike. And I DEFINITELY don't trust them, either. Freud would say I had bad experiences with my mother and older sister as a child...and he'd be totally right. I blame them. They scarred me forever from thinking women in general were worth anything. Hence the reason why I have always tried to be as DIFFERENT from them as I possibly could. I suppose it's kind of sad that my life in large part was shaped by my perceptions and the actions of my mother and sister, but hey, it is what it is.

Nonetheless, I do hate most stereotypical individuals in general, whether male, female, black, white, Asian, Latino, Middle Eastern, etc. So you can imagine my disgust the other day when I came upon a collection of pictures of your typical camwhore/stupid internet biatch these days. My problem with her is...I don't judge looks, because I know I have my type of chick I find hot. But I DO judge stupidity. And this girl...I don't know where she got the idea that taking open-mouthed pictures was sexy, but in EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMNED picture of her (there were 12 on the site I found them on) she is posing like she's all that and a bag of chips, AND she has her mouth open. Yes, in every single picture.

Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong at all with girls making the sexy "Oh" face in pictures. My time in the *cough* industry has shown me that it's an art to perfect the "Oh" face, but MAN...when they do, its something else. You can almost imagine the girl's about to tell you how much she wants you. And that's pretty fantastic. There are a few girls I hired for scenes that had AMAZING "Oh" faces...so I present you with the DO and DO NOTs of face making. I'll start with the DO NOTs, so that way no one's scarred by the madness of Mouth Open Girl.

DO NOT #1:

First of all, please DO NOT open your mouth all the way to the point that your jaw cracks. Because it just looks like you're gonna EAT the dude standing next to you. And for that matter, maybe HE thinks you're gonna eat him and he's closing his eyes because he's scared.

DO! #1:

Mmm. Roxy Deville. I hired her for a Vivid feature. I love this girl. She's SO upbeat and smart (yes, she really is, believe me when I say I don't suffer fools gladly) and has an amazing sense of humor. She's fantastic. And this picture to me, well it just seems like she's saying, "O hai...I was just thinking about how sexy you are while I stand here naked...let's totally have sex!"

DO NOT #2:

Please don't try and pretend you're making a face that says, "Tee hee, I'm so cute yet sexy at the same time!" Especially when it looks like you are about to either bite someone, or else you're catching flies in the vicinity.

DO! #2:

Mmmmm. Maya Hills. Now this girl is amazing. #1, look at her, she's HOT. She also is down to earth and a totally cool chick. She was an investment banker before doing scenes. Yes, she proved it. But she's got the whole "I'm cute yet sexy" look down PAT.

DO NOT #3:

Ugh. Another moment of trying to be cute yet sexy. She just CAN'T do it. She needs to practice in front of a mirror. A LOT.

DO! #3:

Ms. Flower Tucci in her heyday was something ELSE, man. I mean...she had this incredible ass. INCREDIBLE. And the girl could pose her ass off and make really really good face. It was crazy. This picture isn't whorish or slutty really, but says something like, "Why hello there...I was just sitting admiring the palm trees over here, didn't see you there...but c'mon over this way, why don't you?"

DO NOT #4:

God. I think she's trying to do the sexy with attitude thing here. I can't tell. Or else she's a vampire.

DO! #4:

Keeani Lei. Man...this girl came to set dressed in total surfer girl clothes and black framed glasses. Which I kind of thought was hot as it is, but damn she sure did clean up well. And she was TOTALLY cool, in the Behind the Scenes for the movie she was in I interviewed her, and it turned into a long discussion about anime and surfing, and a variety of other things. It was great. But I think in this picture she's captured the "Sexy/Naughty With Attitude" perfectly.

DO NOT...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! #5:

I actually cringed when I saw this picture, I shit you not. This is SO OBVIOUSLY a camwhore picture, albeit a very poorly taken one. This bitch is ACTUALLY trying to do the sideways sexy face! /facepalm. Kill me. I don't think she realizes how ridiculous she looks.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO #5:

I saved the best and most drool-worthy for last. The amazingly sexy and gorgeous and statuesque GIANNA~! She's just SO well built...amazing breasts that don't sag. And just well built everywhere else...and NOT fat in the least. PLUS, she's so damn amazing, she's like the epitome of Around the Way Girl. I'm sure if LL saw Gianna he'd agree. SOOOO low key and chill, and SO sweet, and just super super cool. She even sent me a Christmas card...*sigh*. I told her if I could be her sugar daddy and marry her I totally would. She responded with, "Hell yeah...and don't worry, I'll sex you up RIGHT, EVERY NIGHT." My heart damn near stopped and I don't think there was ever a time that I wanted to win the lottery MORE. And as you can see, she does the sideways sexy QUITE well, thank you very much.

Note to Mouth Open Girl- Practice your face making in the mirror. Check out some pics of the professionals. Ask your friends to tell you honestly what they think. If you were MY friend, I'd disabuse you of the notion that your faces are sexy in the QUICKNESS.

3 comments:

  1. Keanna Lei, Maya Hills, Gianna Michaels, Flower Tucci and Roxy Deville? Get out of my mind! LOL. All that was missing was Lyla Lei...too bad she quit the game.

    I'll never understand the open mouth to the point I notice your dental work. That shit ain't sexy at all.

    One.

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  2. ...

    Lyla Lei?? You must never have seen homegirl in person...because she was a MESS.

    Yeah I don't get the open mouth thing. I mean, the pros can do it right, this girl...not so much.

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  3. Maybe that's her normal face? I only say that because she looks the same in every picture.

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