Sunday, August 31, 2008

Owned! Part 2...

Silly females.

There seems to be a proliferation of them (silly females, that is) on the internets. And what with the rise of popularity in the Fox marketing machine that is Myspace, now there are more camwhores than ever. Women in general are attention whores, we all are to a certain extent. But it really amazes me the kind of pics girls post online that they think are worthy.


Caption: Hi, I'm taking this picture of me in my car with the window open, so I can artfully have my hair blowing in the wind. She's cute, but the way she's got her head tilted it looks like she's got a REALLY big face.



I'm a fan of coloring your hair, and blue is the one color I haven't dyed my hair yet. But I wonder if her hair is blue to detract from how much GUM you can see in her mouth. I think I've decided too much teeth is better than too much gum.



AHHHHHHH! *runs away*



Um, was this picture taken 20 years ago? The sideways pontytail isn't cute anymore unless you're in elementary school or in the 80s. And the hardcore sucking in of your stomach isn't flattering looking either...and seems to be a bit painful, or constipation inducing. She should have leaned forward and pushed her tits together for some cleavage to distract from the belly area.



I include this retard in this group of pictures because, well, he fits in since its clear he's a BITCH. Wtf with the stupid face and the artsy framing of your picture to further emphasize your supposed muscles, you narcissistic fuck?

I shake my head at all of you.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Dioracat's Seal of Approval!

So I saw two new-ish music videos today that I felt were noteworthy.

The first was "Pork and Beans" off of Weezer's latest Red album. Its a hilarious tribute to the internet phenoms of recent history.



The second is "Rise" from the Flobots' album Fight With Tools. I find this song and its lyrics even more meaningful after listening to Obama's speech tonight at the DNC...it was inspiring, and it gave me some hope that perhaps its all right to be proud to be an American again...after the last 4 years of embarrassment.

Flobots' Rise Music Video

Rise Lyrics

So much pain we
Don't know how to be but angry
Feel infected like we've got gangrene
Please don't let anybody try to change me
Me, just me
In the middle of a sea full of faces
Full of faces
Some laugh some salivate
What's in your alleyway
Recycling bins or bullet cases?
Its not equal
Its not fair
We're different people
But we're not scared
We ain't never scared
To pave a new path
Make a new street
Build a new bridge
Say can you see by the dawn's early light
Free slaves running
Song's words weren't right
Now a new day's coming
The few stay stunning while the many are handsome
Your soul is alive but they want it for ransom
The base drumming is the anthem
We step to the heartbeats of our granddaughters and grandsons
And we...

Rise together we rise together, we rise together, we rise

Lost hope and found need
Grounded by our surroundings
Did the walls scream universities
Or you and I verse the tees
React automatic and we burst when squeezed
And make 9-11 each emergency
Urgency amber to red like the turning leaves
Oh please let the hurting cease
Don't let apathy police the populace
We will march across
Those stereotypes that were marked for us
The answers obvious
We switch the consonants
Change the sword to words and lift continents

If you believe in redemption
I'm calling to you from another dimension

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

...NKOTB...??

Coming home today I saw a poster with the letters NKOTB on it...and the date 9/2/08. I actually remembered this time to look it up when I got home, and found out that they're on their REUNION TOUR...with a NEW ALBUM. And apparently, new retarded artsy metrosexual pictures, too.

See Exhibit A:


Oh yeah, they're back in full effect. Why? I don't know. I thought maybe they'd actually try and be GOOD this time, maybe actually try to be, I don't know, more mature and introspective and not like, a colossally huge, expensive joke.

I was wrong.

This is a blog post from Donnie written on Monday:

YOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! ALBUM DROPPING 1 WEEK- CHECK! TODAY SHOW IN 1 WEEK- CHECK! TOUR IN 3 1/2 WEEKS- CHECK! FACE TIME- CHECK CHECK CHECK!!!!! IT IS TIME TO GET YOUR MIND RIGHT FOR THE PARTY THAT IS COMING YOUR WAY!!!! Are you READY? ARE YOU READY???? You aint ready…… GET READY!!!!!!! GET READY!!!!!!!!

...
.
.
.
lolwut?

Why are they back? Who thought this was a good idea? WHY ARE THEY BEING PAID TO MAKE AN ALBUM AND REUNITE WHEN NOBODY EFFING CARES!




Not amused about this. At all.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Heep Hop...Y U Makez Me Crai?



What's sad is that as I've lately been decrying the sad, sad plight of hip hop music, I nonetheless always have faith that something good will eventually show up. And yet, why is it that every time I turn on the god damned radio these days, when NPR is playing commercials, every other station is playing a song by Rihanna, Chris Brown, or featuring Akon or T-Pain? I think its time we put these 4 artists in the moratorium. Is this really all hip hop has to offer the mainstream crowd?

But, my faith seems to have won out. As I was sitting at work today, listening to Pandora, I stumbled upon some songs and artists that seemed to be hip hop oriented, and were right up my alley...good music, good lyrics, THINKING type music.

"Never Hit the Ground" - Diego's Umbrella
"Mega Men" - Faded Chroniclez
"Jungle" - Hydrophonix
"We Fall, We Fall" - Dead Celebrity Status
"The Corner" - Galactic

I tried searching for these artists online and couldn't seem to find any downloads. *insert sadface here* Of course my cheap Asian ass (and broke, too) wants to DL the ish for free because I'm trying to make a dollar out of .15 these days. I should try harder or at least put out some cash.

Also, what else makes me cry is the shenanigans that K-Ci has pulled over the last few days in Australia. First not even CARING that your brother is basically having a seizure...then blaming it on Bill Gates? A sad, sad state of affairs.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Mmm Natalie Portman...Homina, homina, homina

I think I've mentioned elsewhere in this blog that I love Natalie Portman. I have loved her since she was like 12 in The Professional. She's SO HOT. I do think she could stand to gain like 10-15 pounds, but then again, I think that of most actresses and singers. I'm not sure exactly what it is, I think its her eyes, but to me, she has a lot of sex appeal. The white outfit in Star Wars? *makes covetous Homer Simpson noises*

I just found out that a movie she did earlier this year featured her showing some SERIOUS skin. My girl has a wee bit of curves on her...not to mention she seems to have a fairly nice, perky behind. Of course if she gained that 10-15 pounds, it'd be better, but hey.



Saturday, August 23, 2008

Owned! Part 1...

So, there's this new app on Facebook where you can upload your pics, and people "buy" them, called Owned. I was debating on whether or not I would do this for a while, but its funny to me the types of pictures people put up. ESPECIALLY girls who think they're hot in some way. I know it's mean, but hey, as I've already established I'm driving the party bus down to hell, so I might as well get my kicks here while I can.


I love the white trash meets Renaissance Faire look. And I could NOT believe this chick is only 3 years older than me, she looks more like TEN years older. That's what hard livin' does to you I guess. This probably was not the best outfit to choose when she doesn't have enough tits to really come out of her top properly, and the skirt and corset combo is a wee bit too tight, resulting in A LOT of not cute looking muffin top. Ouch. (And I am a fan of muffin top, too, so you know it's bad.)




Let it be known that I have NOTHING at all against big girls. I myself am a bigger boned female. However...I would just like to say that perhaps those pants were, shall we say, unfortunate, not to mention...the MASSIVE blur effect and soft lighting, as well as the fan to make the hair blow back. Wow. That's soooo...80s. Why do people, especially women, think this makes them look better? Its so cheap and makes everything worse. I hope this girl sees this because she needs to come talk to me. I'd hook her up in something more flattering and less...overdone.


I was scared when I saw this picture. The makeup, well, its just reminiscent of...clowns. The chola look is NOT an attractive one, and I thought wasn't being done much anymore...at least not in LA. I will say she looks damned good for her age of 38 though.


I'll end on a good note. This picture, is fucking awesome. Who doesn't love chicks with guns?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Fuck Disney, and Miley Cyrus, too.

I've lagged in my posts and I feel bad because I'm kinda not fulfilling my promise to myself that I'd write something new in this blog every day. But I guess it's not too bad when you consider that this week has been the week from hell.

Anyhow, today in the morning I heard on the news that its Miley Cyrus' 16th birthday in November, and she's going to have her birthday party at Disneyland! Wheee! Furthermore, she's closing it down for the day...and she's selling tickets to the event, at $250 each.



Hmm, today's Give-A-Fuck-O-Meter's reading seems to be very low concerning this news. And calling it "news" is actually really LOLworthy...because WHY IS THIS CONSIDERED NEWS?? Who fucking cares if she's shutting down Disneyland, and who cares its her birthday other than packs of rabid teenaged girls? I sure don't care about any of her birthdays except the important one declaring she's no longer jailbait.

And fuck you to Disney for allowing these kinds of shenanigans to go on...then again, they've already proved on many an occasion that they're into the C.R.E.A.M. mentality and don't give a fuck about anything other than making money. They didn't even deny the human rights activists claims of all the horrendous mistreatment and abuse of their employees overseas, nor did they even try to deny that they've violated their own Code of Conduct, and willfully broke employment laws, and fired any employees who protested their treatment. And so, I present this cartoon with some malicious relish, because Disney isn't about cuteness, about innocence, and they're certainly NOT about the children.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Meh.

So, because I've got an odd sense of humor...its been called many things, and none of them GOOD, exactly, but hey, whatever. Anyway, I was shown this e-card website, that's fucking awesome, and these reflect how I've been feeling lately...

About My Job:


Life In General:




My Family:


*sigh*

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Internet Lulz #2

So because today sucks -

In case you're wondering, that would be because:
1. My bathroom ceiling is about to collapse onto my toilet and into my shower
2. I just took out a pair of pants from the clean laundry basket this morning for work and of course already have a stain on them
3. Fucking people won't do their god damned jobs right
4. Fucking people won't leave me alone

I got blessed with internet lulz from my peeps.

Another "Best of" from Craigslist.

The title is: Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers?



And it just gets better. It starts with:

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

My favorite part?

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, "MORE", "HARDER", "YES", "FUCK ME", but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

And of course, since I'm all about the violence and aggression, this article on Cracked made me laugh.

An instructional article that goes in depth on how to win a fight that's you vs. 20 kids is epic win. ESPECIALLY when you have awesome illustrations like this:



If there is a hell, I'm so there. I'll drive the party bus down.

Eff You, Bill Gates. Eff You.



Yeah so my laptop has been out of commission because I upgraded to Leopard on Saturday...which was all fine, everything was okay, and then installed Boot Camp and partitioned my new internal hard drive so I'd be able to install Windows. Okay, everything fine.

I inserted the Windows XP disc (Yeah, right...not falling for the Vista mistake, and anyway who needs Vista when you have OSX, you copy cat, Bill!) and waited. And waited. And waited. The manz told me it took a while, so I waited some more. Finally I ejected the disc and realized it wasn't going to work...even though the SAME disc already worked for 2 other people.

When I told the manz what happened, I said, "Fuck you Windows, I HATE you!" he responded with, "I'm pretty sure it hates you, too." Then he came back with the smartass remark, "That's what you get when you mix Apples...AND ORANGES!"

...

Har har har.

For that, I have my Dioracat is not amused face. (As coined by Karite! HAIIII KARITE!)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Bullshit!

I just realized that something I've had in my possession for the last oh, 15 years would have been perfect last night.

When I was 16, my dear, dear friend Joanne, much older than me at the time, somewhere in her 40s, I think, took me to The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood. At the time I was much younger, much more...innocent in a lot of ways. I was SO cynical and jaded already, but new so very little about the world other than all the horrible things people are really capable of.

As I have spoken about elsewhere in this blog, Joanne did her best to broaden my horizons in every single way possible. When she took me to the Pleasure Chest, I had no idea where we were going, and when we got there I had no idea what it was. I did stop at the door when I noticed the HUGE sign on the door saying, "NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 ALLOWED". She pulled me in anyway. As you can expect, I saw a lot of things that day, a variety of toys, literature, clothing, and...paraphernalia. My horizons were considerable broadened after the hour I spent there. Before I left though, I wanted to have something to take with me to remember the experience. Of course I wanted a penis-shaped lollipop, and my inner demon of perversity and contrariness wanted to bring one home and how it to my dad, just to see what he'd say. I decided to bring this home instead, and handed one to my dad.


The thing on the side was actually on the top of the package, I included that in the picture as well because the list amused me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Angry Asian Girl Rant- TLDR Inc!

I'm so pissed off right now, and the worst part of it all is that I don't even have a target for my anger, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I now am even more familiar with the term "helpless rage" than I was before. Here's the deal. I was just at dinner with my supervisor and one of our vendors. Well, we were doing the polite small talk thing, and somehow the conversation ended up focusing on the 1992 Los Angeles riots. Well, I'm assuming people know about the riots, but if you don't, then the lowdown on them was:

- They basically started over the beating of Rodney King and anger over the sentence given to a Korean liquor store owner who shot and killed an African American girl. When the officers who beat Rodney were acquitted there was a lot of protest over it, and mob mentality took over.
- There was looting of retail stores, fires set, and Asians and people who looked white were attacked on the streets, such as Reginald Denny and Fidel Lopez, the two most extreme cases.
- Most of the violence was in and around South Central Los Angeles, and spreading to Koreatown.

Anyway, it lasted almost a week and of course was covered as nauseum by the media and got national attention by being condemned by the President, and the Justice Department intending on investigating Rodney King's case.

So, back to the dinner tonight. They started talking about the riots, and both my supervisor and the vendor are white females in their mid-thirties or so. The vendor at the time lived in Tarzana, part of the San Fernando Valley, and I believe my supervisor lived in Burbank or Eagle Rock.

[Now for the record, Tarzana is approximately 25 miles, give or take, from Inglewood, probably the northernmost city in what's considered "South Central". Burbank/Eagle Rock are probably about the same distance away. Now in LA traffic, that's at LEAST 30 mins away with NO traffic, and as the trusty Google maps tells me, up to an hour and a half in traffic. Also note that both areas are in middle class to upper middle class suburbs, the 'hood nowhere in sight.]

In the course of conversation, of course the violence and horror of the riots were deplored and condemned, etc, etc etc. But then, a couple of bombs were dropped, comments were made that got me SO HOT that I thought I might spontaneously combust on the spot. First, that although both people at the table were at LEAST 30 mins away from the riots, they talked about how SCARED they were. Bomb #1: I paraphrase here, but..."Even just driving around in the San Fernando Valley was scary after the riots, for goodness sake!"

...

Say what? You live in middle class suburbia...and you're afraid of driving around there? What the fuck do you think is going to happen to you?

Bomb #2: ..."I can't believe it, I mean, what THOSE PEOPLE were doing, it was so awful..." Uh, "those people"? Who exactly are THOSE people? What the fuck do you have to be afraid of when you live in the suburbs over 20 miles away? When you've probably had limited to no experience with minorities? Is it, "Uh oh, the natives are restless and they're rising up against white people HO NOES!"

Both of them talked about how scared they were and how awful it all was, and oh, how terrible it was what happened to Reginald Denny just because he was white, etc etc etc. No mention of any of the other people who were beaten brutally. No mention of the people who were murdered. All they knew was that "OMG THE NATIVES ARE RESTLESS~!" I sat there and said nothing. I said nothing about how the riots weren't solely about blacks vs. whites. I said nothing of the fact that I myself am Korean, and have relatives living in Koreatown, who lived there at the time the riots were happening. I said nothing of the fact that people don't seem to remember, but just like everyone and their mother racially profiled Muslims and Middle Easterners after 9/11, other people of color looked at me and my slanted eyes sideways for YEARS after the riots. I said nothing about the fact that during the riots, I lived in a group home with only Latinas and black girls. I said nothing about the whispered warnings from one of the Latina girls who took pity on me, the one Asian girl in the home and warned me not to sleep at night because the black girls were planning to jump me when I went to bed. I said nothing about the anger and fear and uncertainty of those weeks I spent there.

The worst part about this whole situation is that both of these women are very nice, very good and caring people. I don't think they even realize that calling minorities "those people" and talking about how scared they were of the minorities possibly traveling 25 miles to loot their homes, set fire to them, and kill their families, is racist. As a matter of fact, I know my supervisor would vehemently protest any such accusations of being racist...after all, she has minority friends, what am *I* if not a minority, right? So I can't even be upset at the people involved, because if I got angry at the table, it would have been dismissed as an outburst from an uppity minority female, trying to think she's as good as everyone else. I couldn't try and reason with them later on, because they would agree that such comments were awful and racist, while never realizing that it is they themselves that are racist. These are the same people who are shocked when I say that I'm not good at math and say, "But...you're Asian!" But no, that's not racist, its just a surprise that I don't...fit the stereotype. So what can I do? What DO I do?

The answer to that is, simply, there IS nothing I can do. I'm so angry, not at them, but at the environment that's made people this way. At society in general. At the media. I have to sit there and bite my tongue every single time something like this happens, and it does happen often, because after all, I'm only Asian. People feel justified in making racist jokes and comments in my presence because they figure "Hell, she's Asian, what does she care about black people/Latinos/Middle Easterners/etc". I'm the "model minority". They don't realize that I DO take offense, because I try to be an exception to the rule, and I know there must be plenty of people like me out there. For that matter, I know a lot of them. So how can I make blanket statements about people, when I try so hard to break paradigms? I can't, so I don't. I like to judge individuals. I don't think my race is better than others, quite the opposite. Of course I logically understand that stereotypes are formed for a reason, and millions of people every day, the non-thinking sheep out there, fulfill those stereotypes unthinking. But not EVERYONE fits a stereotype. Not everyone is part of THOSE people. I wonder if the people I was at dinner with even know that it was a black man that took Reginald Denny, a WHITE man, to the hospital so he could be treated? Probably not.

God, I can't wait to graduate and get my master's, and get paid to help put an end to this type of madness.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

NFL DRAWMUH~!...and Madden '09

So I've been following the whole Brett Favre drama somewhat, and boy, is it comedy. I mean, who knows if the Packers were jerkoffs, but you can be sure that Favre pulled a bullshit ass move by coming back out of retirement and then demanding to be the starting quarterback. Cord fed white boy has some balls. I don't really care one way or another because I don't care about Favre and I don't care about the Packers, although I do KIND of wonder how it might have been with Favre as starting QB for them with an uninjured Adrian Peterson. *shrugs*

Anyway, so today I went to get Madden '09 for my manz because he had to work late, and didn't want to miss the opportunity to get it today...and believe you me, I KNOW how that feels for sure because I do so love video games. A few comments on it so far.

#1. BWAHAHAHA THE IRONY!


Here's the cover. And yes, that's your boy Brett Favre....in a Packers uniform...and he's now playing for the Jets. Lulz. Ah, the Madden curse! One can only hope it strikes him down, douche that he's been. And doesn't the look on his face look like he's thinking, "HO NOOOOOES INCOMINGGGGG SACK!"

#2. The Soundtrack
I know that Madden usually does well in terms of choices of songs, and have shot some bands into stardom just for being on the soundtrack alone...but...what I've heard in the last hour has not been promising.

Young Dre + Good Charlotte = FAIL

Horrible, horrible, collaboration. One question...WHY??

Franz Ferdinand's song = Meh
I've heard better shit by them.

Busta Rhymes + Linkin Park = SURPRISE WIN!
Who knew, right? I sure as fuck didn't...Busta is hot or cold for me and I don't like Linkin Park AT ALL. They're WAY too /emocuts for me.

Under Oath = EPIC EPIC FAIL!

Do we not have enough random white boys in a band screaming their lungs out?

Kovas = FAIL FAIL DOUBLE FAIL!

His song is called "Wax On, Wax Off". Okay. Really? REALLY?? Who picks these fucking songs?? Is this the future of hip hop? *kills self*

It's not looking good. It's got to be pretty effin' bad when the best song I've heard thus far has Linkin Park in it. *shudders*

#3. Sound FX

Oh, and Sean Jones sounds like he's taking a MASSIVE dump when he's doing the bench press. That is all.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Random Shit on a Monday



So, I was at the coffee shop I like nearby my apartment, and I saw this sign in the window. I thought it was REALLY cool. In case you can't tell what it is, its a fork with two of the tines bent down, and on top it just says, "Peace". Simple, but cool, and makes a statement without saying a lot. And well, it had to do with food, so...how can you go WRONG, team??




Secondly, I took a picture while in the car with a coworker of this old lady who was all up on her steering wheel and had the old lady visor on and was going like 10 mph in a 40 mph zone. I just thought this woman fulfilling all stereotypes was amusing.

And lastly I have a little story to lighten my mood. I used to work for a certain bank in their Returned Deposited Items department. You know when you write a check, it bounces, and then they put it through again? Well, my department did all the putting checks through a second time. And one day, I got this check. Its not a joke, its not Photoshopped except to take out their information, it was a real check that I photocopied like 2000 times and passed around to everyone because it was THAT awesome. Can you imagine if the man in the couple was named Richard? Or if the woman was named Ivana?

Friday, August 8, 2008

Interweb Lulz



Being the interweb nerd I am...I find many an amazingly hilarious thing online, or have friends who find them and show them to me. So, today, in an effort to brighten my shitty mood lately...the interweb lulz.

Craigslist. I've used it for jobs, I've used it to hire people, and I've used it as genuine classifieds. However, I never actually perused the "Best Of" on the site, in fact, I barely remembered it existed, until a few links were sent to me via IM. I thought they were so great I even screen shot them. [And yeah, now the whole world can see my Safari bookmarks bar, and know what a geek I am, yeesh]


I'm not sure if this one's for real or not...but people be crazy in either case.


I have 2 reactions to this, "OH SNAP!" and "DAMNNNNNNN GINA!"


Who cares that the bottom is cut off...this kitten is OVERRRRR NIIIIIINE THOOOOOOUUUUSAAAAAND because it can take on CHUCK NORRIS! What's really funny about this is that I skimmed through the whole ad, and my eyes stopped when I saw the words: Chuck Norris.

Now, I was talking to my girl Gen about this, right, and she told me that her eyes stopped at Chuck Norris too [sidenote, if that isn't <3 I dunno what is]...and THEN she showed me THIS:


The best of all the Chuck Norris facts compiled in ONE PLACE. Most. Awesome. Book. EVAR. Check out some of the samples on Amazon.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Just Call Me ARRRRRtard!



Why am I an R tard? Well, see Exhibit A above. Yeah, its a billboard right off my freeway exit of the new Mummy movie. So I've been seeing that billboard for about a month and a half now, and every time I drove by it, wondered who the new Mummy was going to be. I always resolved when I got home to look it up on IMDB, only to assuage my own curiosity, but there's so many things I see when driving that I want to check out when I go home, that I end up just forgetting.

Then a couple weeks after I saw this billboard, more started appearing, with the subtitle: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. It didn't occur to me that the word "dragon" would signify ASIAN. No, it didn't click. I thought that something around the eyes looked somewhat familiar, but I didn't know who it could possibly be, because here I am thinking Egyptian.

Fast forward to about a week and a half ago when I finally saw Dark Knight. Well, one of the trailers was for the latest Mummy movie...and I'm sitting there saying to myself, "Oh yeah I've been wondering who the new Mummy is supposed to be..." and I'm sitting there a little bemused in the theater...when suddenly, I see who it is.

Muthafuckin' JET LI.



I sat up and was like, "OMFG JET LI!!!!!!!!!!111111!!" in the theater, and then /facepalmed, because all of a sudden there was a montage of images in my brain of everything I just said and it clicked. *sigh*

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Can I get a "fuck you"...?

Well, I've certainly been called unladylike many times throughout the years, and here's one perfectly good reason why. I think fart and poo jokes are funny. If you do, too, awesome...I salute you. If you don't, and can't enjoy them, think its unladylike for me to joke about them, and find them perfectly disgusting, I have a pretty little picture for you to look at:



Anyway, in high school...many years ago we had a handout passed out simply titled...The Shit List. I thought it was hilarious then, and still think so now.

The Shit List

Ghost Shit
The kind where you feel the Shit come out, but there is no Shit in the toilet.
Clean Shit
The kind where you Shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Shit
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Shit
This happens when you're done Shitting and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Shit some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Shit
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Shit
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Drinker Shit
The kind of Shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of Shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Corn Shit
Self-explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit
The kind where you want to Shit but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Shit
That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Shit aka The Power Dump
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
The Surprise Shit
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Shit!!!
The Dangling Shit
This Shit refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pushing it out. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Art Fags and Emo Kids Unite!



funny pictures

I stayed home from work today because I was feeling pretty much like shit. However, I wasn't feeling good enough to actually leave the house, but I was feeling restless and a bit too plagued by my own morose thoughts so I decided to do some organizational stuff that I had been putting off for a long time now...almost the better part of a year!

In any case, going through my things, I found several things of value. Probably not much value to anyone else, but a lot to me, but such is the way sentimental value works, I suppose. A lot of it was hilarious, which I'll put up over the next few days, some of it was serious and thoughtful. Its the serious and thoughtful things I'll post today. Get out your art fag caps, its poetry!

These 3 poems are probably 3 of my favorite of all time, all for different reasons. This first is "She Walks in Beauty" by George Gordon Byron. Its my favorite romantic poem, mostly because its written so beautifully, with an easy sort of rhythm and cadence, and partially because I think its cliche to think of Shakespeare when you think of romantic poetry. There's no doubt that Shakespeare wrote A LOT of romantic poetry, such as his collection of sonnets, but being as contrarian as I am, I like to be different.

She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night


Of cloudless climes and starry skies;


And all that's best of dark and bright


Meet in her aspect and her eyes:


Thus mellow'd to that tender light


Which heaven to gaudy day denies.



One shade the more, one ray the less,


Had half impair'd the nameless grace


Which waves in every raven tress,


Or softly lightens o'er her face;


Where thoughts serenely sweet express


How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,


So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,


The smiles that win, the tints that glow,


But tell of days in goodness spent,


A mind at peace with all below,


A heart whose love is innocent!


The second poem is more modern, and one I loved the moment I read it. "Phenomenal Woman" by Maya Angelou. It's very rhythmic, and its a poem I feel was written to be spoken aloud. Many feminist and femi-nazis have made this into their little "anthem" but its a poem I feel isn't about how great women are, or how they're better than me, or even the power they hold over men, but more of the power of a woman who truly knows herself, loves herself, and is comfortable in her own skin. It's something I've always aspired to be.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size

But when I start to tell them 

They think I'm telling lies.

I say

It's in the reach of my arms 

The span of my hips 

The stride of my steps 

The curl of my lips. 

I'm a woman 

Phenomenally 

Phenomenal woman

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please

And to a man 

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees 

Then they swarm around me

A hive of honey bees. 


I say

It's the fire in my eyes

And the flash of my teeth

The swing of my waist 

And the joy in my feet. 

I'm a woman 

Phenomenally 

Phenomenal woman

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered 

What they see in me 

They try so much 

But they can't touch 

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.


I say

It's in the arch of my back 

The sun of my smile

The ride of my breasts 

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally 

Phenomenal woman 

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed

I don't shout or jump about 

Or have to talk real loud

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud. 


I say

It's in the click of my heels

The bend of my hair 

The palm of my hand 

The need for my care.

'Cause I'm a woman 

Phenomenally 

Phenomenal woman 

That's me.


And the last poem is "Curiosity" by Alastair Reid. It's truly my favorite poem of all time, and I think those that understand and relate will know why I've always felt a wee bit more of a cat person than a dog person.




Curiosity
may have killed the cat;more likely

the cat was just unlucky, or else curious

to see what death was like, having no cause

to go on licking paws, or fathering

litter on litter of kittens, predictably.

Nevertheless, to be curious

is dangerous enough. To distrust

what is always said, what seems

to ask odd questions, interfere in dreams,

leave home, smell rats, have hunches

do not endear cats to those doggy circles

where well-smelt baskets, suitable wives, good lunches

are the order of things, and where prevails

much wagging of incurious heads and tails.

Face it. Curiosity

will not cause us to die--

only lack of it will.

Never to want to see

the other side of the hill

or that improbable country

where living is an idyll

(although a probable hell)

would kill us all.

Only the curious have, if they live, a tale

worth telling at all.

Dogs say cats love too much, are irresponsible,

are changeable, marry too many wives,

desert their children, chill all dinner tables

with tales of their nine lives.

Well, they are lucky. Let them be

nine-lived and contradictory,

curious enough to change, prepared to pay

the cat price, which is to die

and die again and again,
each time with no less pain.

A cat minority of one

is all that can be counted on

to tell the truth. And what cats have to tell

on each return from hell

is this: that dying is what the living do,

that dying is what the loving do,

and that dead dogs are those who do not know

that dying is what, to live, each has to do.

Monday, August 4, 2008

LOLwut?



You know what I don't understand? People who only appreciate the topmost layer of something when its clear that there are multiple layers of shit to it. And I'm not trying to be all art fag/emo kid with it like "I'm a writer and understand things on multiple levels..." either. I mean stuff that's obviously more than one dimensional.

For example, when I went to see the Flobots, and Jonny5 said that people tell them all the time "Hey I love YOU guys, but I hate hip hop"! Like...okay...and these are the same people that probably like Outkast's "Hey Ya" and Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy". BOTH hip hop oriented, but played on rock music stations because it's seen as more "alternative" than anything. But seriously...how can you like the Flobots and hate hip hop? How can you love them and not see the influence of The Roots on their music? And oh god, how can you go to a Flobots concert and sit there all pissy till you hear "Handlebars"? (Yes, you young dumb silly bitches who were sitting next to me at the concert, I mean you.) Which is a good song, but not their BEST...simply the most radio friendly. And also...A friend of mine loves Banksy's art...but doesn't seem to care about the themes behind his artwork. He appreciates the art for art, and that's all. He doesn't give a flying fuck about politics, the government, or the -isms that seem to infuse all of Banksy's art in general, or even the other street/underground artists. How can you like the artwork and appreciate as art by itself without even caring about or trying to understand what's behind it? *le sigh*

I kind of wonder, what would the artists think if they talked to people like this? I wonder if they would just be like "WTF YOU TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT!" I know I would be.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Banksy. The man, the myth...

...the underground insurgent graffiti artist legend. I've decided to write a little about him finally although I've known about him and his work for the last 2 years or so. He's British and originally did most of his art in and around England, but then branched out to the States, hitting up the Museum of Modern Art, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Brooklyn Museum and the American Museum of Natural History. He also traveled to Israel and hit up the West Bank barrier. You may also know him as one of the architects behind the shenanigans on replacing Paris Hilton's cds with his art and Danger Mouse's remixes. He's mostly known for his art though, and most of his artwork seems to be some sort of commentary on politics, pop culture, and society in general.

In any case, it seems like more and more cool people I've met that are into art and underground counterculture seem to really appreciate his work. [Shout out to P and Gen!] And, well, since I'm all about promoting the insurgence, I figured I'd post a few of his works that he's done in the LA area.

One awesome thing I'll say about Banksy, as opposed to the other "underground" artists, is that he thus far hasn't seemed to be a sellout. He doesn't sell pictures of the street art he's done, and he hasn't had any exhibitions in any commercial galleries. Word to not being a hypocrite and giving in to the evils of capitalism, old boy.

And now I'll leave you with an amazing fucking quote of his:

"Think outside the box, collapse the box, and take a fucking sharp knife to it."

Indeed sir...in-fucking-deed.









And my personal favorite...




Check out more of Banksy's art here.