Monday, December 10, 2007

For Doz That Slept and are STILL sleeping...

I posted this on Dumpin as well but it bears repeatin, imo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I need to vent. I'm angry. I don't think anyone else will really care, but fuck it, I feel the need to say this shit and this IS sorta something like a music blog isn't it?

A couple of weeks ago I heard some shit on the radio that made me realize how much of a member of the "old folk" that I've become. It's pretty sad. I was listening to the Steve Harvey morning show, and some young (early 20s), dumb chick wrote in to him asking him why did he play the music he did in the morning (predominantly a lot of older R&B and some older hip hop), and why didn't him and his morning show learn to "walk it out" and "superman dat ho" instead of "2 steppin' it", and play some better music in the morning like SOULJAH BOY. She says, "OUR music is so much better than YOUR music." I damn near lost my mind when I heard that, because this girl thought that SOULJAH BOY was REAL music. Going back to this young chick, she further showed her stupidity by saying that she thought the "Moulin Rogue" song was originally done by Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim etc. She further went on to say that she thought that Earth, Wind, and Fire stole the song "September" from Kirk Franklin. I really wanted to choke her the fuck out now, before she potentially gets impregnated by some shithead, and has babies as dumb as she is. For that matter, her parents are retarded too by not dropping some knowledge on her ign'nint ass.

Anyway, Steve Harvey had thunk on the whole topic and his response was that older music was more focused on love and making love, and telling women how much they loved them or missed them, and then newer music seems to be more focused on degrading women. He felt that it was the fault of black men of his generation were so caught up in climbing the corporate ladder and focusing on their careers, instead of teaching the black men in the generation after them to respect women. He further elaborated that people shouldn't consider it "OUR music" and "YOUR music" because that further divides us, when music should be considered EVERYONE'S music. He was also trying to raise some consciousness of the lyrical content of today's music as opposed to more "old school" type shit, which I applaud him for...especially since I've been saying for a while that people are dumbasses and can't focus on shit these days so all they can listen to is "YOUUUUUUUUU!" (In semi-unrelated news, apparently that god forsaken dance was featured on the Ellen show, and my MOTHER learned it and did it in front of me a week ago. I wanted to die on the spot.)

From what I've read, I know dumpin is predominantly a music blog based around hip hop, and based around rap in particular. (But let's not forget what the great KRS-ONE said..."rap is what you do, hip hop is what you live" and anyway, the way people live is particular to the individual, so I guess what hip hop is, is different for everyone, but whatever) However, I'd just like to say that as distasteful as many hip hop fans might find R&B music, a lot of hip hop is based in older R&B. So much sampling of older R&B groups and music has gone on in the last 10 years with music producers, with Diddy and Kanye being the most prominent and coming to mind first. But of course this has been going on FOREVER. Where would hip hop be today without Stevie Wonder (he and Roger and Zapp were doing synthesizers LONG before T-Pain), Rick James, James Brown, Earth Wind and Fire, and pretty much all of Motown?

Now, for me personally my parents always listened to old jazz (Miles Davis, Louis Armstrong, Sarah Vaughn, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday) but weren't necessarily into R&B, but I suppose for me liking older R&B was a inevitable move from older jazz. Then liking older R&B sort of evolved into newer R&B and rap music when I was a teenager and really angry. And yeah, I'm an Asian chick, one of the "model minority" but I was still (and still am) a disenfranchised minority nonetheless. I've got TWO things to be mad about. But that's neither here nor there in regards to this post. I just don't understand...where did things go wrong? Are we as Americans getting stupider? Or is this just the record label execs for the past decade pushing some bullshit out there and really pumping it up? Or is this some crazy ass record label Illuminati type shit trying to just dumb us down so we don't think about what's going on around us?

I don't know what the fuck it is, but I'm not even on my period and I have been getting crazier and more angry and feeling like the world is fucked because I can't even surround myself with music and ignore everything else like I used to. I need a Spaceship like Kanye so I can get the fuck off the planet and go live with some aliens. I bet they're not listening to Souljah Boy. At least I hope not.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Video Games, and Why Women Who Don't Play Them Can't Drive

Sometimes, I hate women. For that matter, MOST of the time I hate women.



Story #1:

Two things that happened to me in semi recent history. A few weeks ago, I was trying to get out of my car after parking. I open my door, and then I see a car pull into the empty space next to me, almost taking my door off. I closed the door, and waited for whoever the fuck that retard was to finish parking. I waited and saw that the retard driver was doing what I call the "Austin Powers". I leaned over more to see who was driving, and sure enough, it was a girl. She was driving a COMPACT CAR, attempting to park it in a NORMAL sized space, and I was parked within the lines on the pavement, and yet it took her about 6 tries before she was able to park her car properly. She did this while giggling the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME. She finally got out of her car to go to the ice Baskin Robbins right in front of her. Dumb bitch was probably on her rag. I shoulda shown her the back of my hand. No joke.



Story #2:

I was watching this stupid bitch parallel park her car while putting on make up. How she thought she was capable of doing this is beyond me, since most of them can barely parallel park AT ALL. So what did she do? She hit the car in front of her AND behind her multiple times while parking, and didn't care. Then she sat there, finished her makeup, and got out of the car and walked off.

Now, these same women are most likely, statistically speaking, probably the kind of women who talk some MAD shit to their boyfriends about their video game playing habits. I can just hear them now: "Why are you ALWAYS playing those STUPID video games?!" "Why don't you want to spend time with me? You can talk to your stupid video game friends all night but you never talk to ME!" Or the wives: "When are you coming to bed already?!" Or..."I thought I told you to (insert random chore here) but you were playing video games instead!!" Hmm, the reason why he's not talking to you and playing video games is because you're a dumb bitch with nothing of any interest to say who goes on and on about shit he doesn't care about. Furthermore, he doesn't want to break up with you or divorce your ass for whatever reason, so he's trying to play video games so he can have some mindless, thoughtless, emotionless, and GUILT-less fun for once in his miserable life.

The sad thing is, even as times progress, and women supposedly progress, men are still in the majority as far as gamers are concerned, just check these strictly men's shirts.







I don't know many female gamers that got into gaming on their own and not because of their boyfriend, husband or relative. I am not sure if I could attribute my own gaming tendencies to those reasons, I have always liked them since the original Nintendo console from back in the day, which was give to my brother and I. I even bought this MEN'S shirt in homage to it.




Anyway. Here's my theory. These women can't drive and hate video games. I vote that all DMVs should have extra tests for women that they have to take every year that involve various ways of parking, as well as learning how to keep your car in the same lane while looking over to see if you can change lanes. I mean, as a woman myself, I would take these test for the betterment of everyone else so that we wouldn't have to be subject to such idiocy as I described in those stories.

And I have a message for the women out there that fit the type I've just discussed. Maybe you should actually spend some of your worthless life learning how to play video games, and then you'll at least have better depth perception and hand-eye coordination and actually be able to park your god damned car without having people like me wishing they could violently murder you in some way and not go to jail.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Screw Blogs, haha, j/k




So I realized I post more on Dumpin than I do here, which is sad, since this is supposed to be my own personal blog where I write deeply personal shit to expose my insides to all youse on the intarwebz. And I don't post nearly enough on Dumpin anymore, mostly because I started to second guess myself and the things I wanted to say, because I wondered if the Expert Whiteboyz would make fune of me in their club house. On the one hand, I kind of care about this, and on the other hand, I don't, 'cause who really cares about people on who talk shit about you on the intarwebz anyway. (Well, I do, but still.)

Anyway, due to grad school starting, and a lot of personal drama, I haven't written in this thing in ages. Funny thing is, I have like 10 things that I have noted down to actually write about. I suppose now that things are slowing down a bit in general I can start working on all the shit I have been wanting to complain about for the last about 3 months since I last posted.

The first thing should be about how angry I am at female drivers.

I'm back bitches, and I'm STILL angry!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Never Let Me Down - R.I.P., my friend.

I have been struggling for the last several days to find the proper things to say here. I suppose I'll start at the beginning.

Just this past Saturday afternoon, I got a phone call. It was from the son of one of my best friends in the whole world, Joanne. He called me to tell me that she had passed away on Monday. I was stunned. For two reasons, really. The first is fairly simple. It sounds cliche, but really, she epitomizes the phrase "full of life". Let me tell you a few things about Joanne. At the age of 18 or so she was working in an office, when "corporate America" was just getting into full swing. She hated it, hated the people, the environment, everything, so she decided that she would never work in an office again. And she never did. She also, after seeing all those people, working day after day in their mindless and painful drudgery, that she would dedicate the rest of her life to doing whatever was best for herself and making herself and her loved ones happy. A few years after her son was born, she realized she wasn't happy in her marriage, that her husband was an asshole and treated her like shit. Being the free spirit she was, she decided she would leave him, and that she had never seen South America before, so she took her son, packed her bags, hopped in her car and DROVE down through Mexico and Central America, and then East through the northern part of South America till she hit the Amazon.

I met her many years later when she was in her early-ish forties. Me, being brought up in a traditional Asian household, was thrown off by her whole appearance and demeanor. I was intimidated and almost...diminished in her presence. She was just one of those people who shines just SO brightly in this drab and dull, life and soul draining concrete jungle. I suppose she felt I was a kindred spirit. She was a friend of a very close and dear family friend (one of my father's oldest black belts) who was like an uncle to me, so I immediately liked her because of association, I suppose. A year or so later, my parents divorced, I left my mother's house and bounced around here and there, scared and alone. She helped my father deal with the divorce, the loss of his family, and his children, and helped him to really deal with me as a real person, and not an extension of him. After I moved in with my dad, Joanne and I became very close. I could tell just by looking in her eyes, that despite all I had been through, despite my loathing and fear of the rest of humankind, that she was a kind and good person that I could trust. She was the first person I ever fully trusted in my entire life, and she never disappointed me nor did she ever betray that trust.

Joanne did so many things for me, mostly intangible, but I can say with certainty that I am a better person and a better woman for having known her. I wouldn't be the person I am today by any means were it not for her. She was the one person I could always depend on that would always support me, always be there for me if I needed her. She took me under her wing, and showed me so many things I had never been exposed to, and taught me about people, animals, life, and where my place was in the world. Throughout my teenage years she would call me on the weekends early in the morning and pick me up from my dad's to take me on adventures. Once, in the summer, she took me to some remote place in the mountains where there was snow. I remember I was wearing a tank top and was cold, but she literally dragged me out of the car and made me walk around in the snow. "Get out of this god damned car and FEEL the snow! Feel the air, breathe it in! Come on out and LIVE!! " That is what she shouted at me. It was a mantra that she repeated to me on dozens of occasions. Another time, knowing I had limited experience with animals, but loved them anyway, she took me to a ranch with horses and gave me apples to feed them. I remember myself being so delighted at actually having real interaction with animals (compared to the near sterile environment I grew up in, my mother hated animals) and then later sitting in the grass against a huge tree, looking up at the sky, talking about existence. When my own father wouldn't buy me a prom dress to go to prom because he couldn't understand what a prom was and why I would want to go, SHE bought me a prom dress, and worked with my now stepmother to get my hair and makeup done, and then a mutual friend of ours to have pictures taken of me. I had always had a terrible self esteem and self image, but in this way she made me see that I wasn't such a horrendously ugly troll after all...that maybe I could be pretty.

Later on, in my twenties, I worked in corporate America while going to college, which I hated. I told her so many times that I envied her ability to make a living outside of a cubicle. When she got too overwhelmed and stressed with mundane shit, she would go to Florida and swim with the dolphins. Or else go and crash in a hut on a beach in Mexico for a month. She always had the same answer to my complaints: "Don't envy me...just DO it! Why can't you just do it? If you want to do something, nothing's holding you back but you." And she was so right. After leaving the corporate world, I too made the decision that I'd never work in corporate mainstream America again unless I was my own boss. As she pointed out to me so many times, why do work that I hate, with people that I hate? If I'm going to spend more than half my day at work, every day, it might as well be a place that I'm happy at, or doing work I'm happy with, or working with people I actually LIKE.

All in all, I am almost ashamed to say that I think I took more from Joanne than I gave back to her. She certainly left me a lasting legacy that's engraved on my heart, mind, and soul. She performed what I see as miracles to help me understand myself and others, and to make me feel like I had some self worth, and to above all, live my life and be happy. She lived her own life without compromise, and she never lied to other people, or most importantly, herself. With her passing I am even more determined to make my decisions as I see fit, to live as much as I can without regret without looking back, to love myself and be happy with myself. My own personal obsession with counter culture and rebellion and "fuck the establishment" kind of thinking is in good part because of her. There are so many people in my life now that I love and care a great deal for that I never would have met if not for her, and so many experiences that I treasure, that I would never have experienced if not for her.

Fortunately for me, although I knew her for 15 years, damn near half my life, I was blessed to have known her and am honored that she saw me as a daughter/sister, and I can't say that we didn't have enough time. She also was open and expressive with her feelings and affection, and she taught me to be so on the proper occasions as well. I always knew where I stood with her, and despite my initial discomfort with being so open (we Asians are NOT in touch with our feelings whatsoever) I think she always knew where she stood with me as well. That's alone is the main reason why I won't hang up on someone, or leave issues unresolved, or never tell someone how I really feel about them. Because you never know.

And so, Joanne, I say to you - I know with certainty that you feel that you're on the next leg of your journey towards your own personal nirvana. I will try to remember everything you taught me and pass it on to others. I will never forget you.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Music Video Commentary - "I Am Murloc"

I posted this on Dumpin today but because it was a topic so near and dear to my own heart I felt the need to include it in my own blog.

Anyway, a week ago or so, my friends from WoW started asking me
whether or not I had seen the "I am Murloc" video. I hadn't, and so I
was directed to the Warcraft movies site to check it out. I had no
idea of what it was or what to expect. I kept meaning to watch it,
and then it got to the point where EVERYONE had except me, and then I was determined to check it out.



Here's my .02 on it. First off I've always felt the dudes at Blizzard
had one hell of a crazy mixed up sense (senses?) of humor. I know
they're also a relatively young group of guys, the programmers at
least. And when I say relatively young, I mean that for the most part
they grew up in the late 70s and 80s. That being said, I wasn't
surprised to discover that the song was in the genre of heavy metal.

The name of the group is: Level 70 Elite Tauren Chieftain, and their
band setup is pretty similar to the "traditional" metal band. They're
all members of the Horde and they've got this lineup:


Orc lead singer - Why they chose an Orc as their lead singer is beyond
me. I was unaware that Orcs were very metal-oriented, especially
considering that the female orc dance is basically droppin' it like its hot and making it clap. Not to mention that the male Orc dance is the Hammer dance. But hey, black people can do metal, after all, Ice-T did it, right?? Interestingly enough I think (in my uneducated about metal way) that he sounded most like Lemmy from Motorhead out of all the major metal bands out there.



Blood elf lead guitarist - I assumed, perhaps incorrectly, that the
pretty boy blood elf was on lead guitar, only for the sake of the fact that there is no way in hell a blood elf, if not the lead singer or frontman for the band, would be a RHYTHM guitarist. God forbid. They love
themselves too much to make a sacrifice for someone else.



Troll bass guitarist - Another interesting choice. Most people that play trolls
that I know are actually into rock and roll despite the race's penchant for being
more along the lines of having a reggae/Jamaican style. I'd be less surprised
to see a troll smokin' that ganja and listening to "Welcome to Jamrock" or at the very least Juelz's "Murda Murda" or some shit. But bass guitarists are an awesome breed of guitarists because they can adapt to most any type of music.


Undead rhythm guitarist - Considering the genre of music, why wasn't
the undead made the lead singer? I mean, HONESTLY? Hit /dance on any
male undead toon, and what do they do...they fucking ROCK OUT with their undead cocks out!! Not to mention they throw the horns and everything? Personally, on behalf of all undead everywhere, I'm
highly offended. Highly. I hope some programmers at Blizzard read
this shit and think things out next time.



Tauren on drums - Okay, after being outraged that it was an Orc lead
singer and not an undead...I wondered, why wasn't a Tauren the front
man for a band called Level 70 Elite Tauren Chieftain I ask you?? However him being on drums made sense...if only 'cause the Tauren seem to be patterned after the Native Americans.


Backup dancers aka Video Hofessionals: I got one word for each of them.



Nelf chick - Whore


Belf chick - Slut


Dranei chick - Tramp


'Nuff said.

Now here's where I can appreciate the Blizzard humor. I had to see
the video 3 times before I realized that (I think) the lead singer was
doing some pelvic thrusts that were so hardcore that his pelvis
straight busted through the GLASS. Fucking hilarious.

More Blizzard humor I can get with, the chorus of the song:


I am more than a fish
I am more than a man
Death will rise from the tide
RWLRWLRWLRWL (murloc noises)
I am murloc
I am king of the sea
Not A Queen like Aquaman
Death will rise
Hear our cry
I am murloc
I am death!

Okay I SERIOUSLY laughed SO HARD when I saw them dress up a human pally like a gay version (lol...when isn't he gay, scratch that) version of Aquaman.


Fuck Aquaman. When there's a serious world
crisis, what is he gonna do, make dolphin noises? Call the whales?
Bitch please.

Anyway, the video was cool, the song was meh, and for god's sake THE
MURLOC NOISES?! I'll never admit to weakness but fuck all if those
murloc noises don't make me cringe a little on the inside. I remember
when I was a wee little shadow priest trying to stay alive on the
North Coast of Tirisfal Glades...those murloc noises struck fear into
my poor little squishy heart. The noises were usually followed by a
severe beating. I got beat the fuck up AND down by those murlocs...and
gangbanged with no lube more than a few times. And it wasn't pretty.
Neither was my repair bill. Don't tell anyone that the murloc noises
scare me though, or I'll have to melt j00 face. /flex

Friday, July 20, 2007

Go Go Gadget Gospel

So it's OFFICIAL!!! (Why do I feel like screaming..."CLUE!! REMIX!" now that I said that?)

I'm preaching the will and the word...the will of one young-ish Korean chick, and the word on the streets of Porn Valley as far as music is concerned. I'm officially contributing to Dumpin! Exciting shit. Made my introductory post today, and according to the BIG CHEESE Mike, he'd like me to be posting a few times a week. I always got some shit to say or some shit to talk/start especially about music these days, so it should be interesting.

So yeah. I'm excited. It'll keep me writing frequently, and also hopefully I'll learn not to be so god damned wordy which should help for my other writing ventures.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Are You Mad?

So random musings, I wondered if anyone ever noticed that my blog titles are almost always names of songs. And of hip hop/r&b songs at that. If I were to bet some cash monies on it, I'd say there are probably only two people who read my blog on the regular who have picked up on this...YES I AM TALKIN' BOUT YOU, CJ AND ADAM!

Anywho, so it's been brought to my attention that I need to talk about some uplifting shit like, the holes in the hozone or some shit. So I've got a few cool updates to this blog that aren't quite as "I'm a god damned minority female and I AM ANGRY!!! RAWR!"

Basically, my boy CJ put me up on this blog, which can also be found on blogspot...at the address of dumpindumpin.blogspot.com. I read that shit and was like "Okay, these dudes are high-larious, not to mention the fact that, as CJ said, the shit they talk about is only shit that people our age that are SERIOUS hip hop heads would talk or think about." So after reading through several posts, I decided to hit up the main head over there on a whim and ask if I could write for them. Admittedly I am NOT the absolute most knowledgable person I know on hip hop, but I do know a lot about, grew up around it, and have been given props by a lot of other hip hop fans that I DO know my shit. Not to mention that I like to write and feel like I've got some half-coherent and articulate things to say.

Lo and behold, they said they'd consider me. They prolly don't realize it but I was pretty fuckin' ecstatic about it. Furthermore I am planning on doing quite a bit of writing in the near and immediate future, so this will just help me even more get those creative juices flowing.

As far as the other writing is concerned, I got big plans and ideas for some shit I wanna kick off this year...which hopefully means I'll be going from a HUNGRY, unknown angry minority female to a more well known, angry minority female! bell hooks would be proud. On second thought, no she wouldn't...most of the shit I say probably goes against everything she believes in, but hey, fuck it.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Free Your Mind...

Rac*ism (n) -

1. A belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
2. A policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
3. Hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Looking at the description of what racism is makes me really think about how freely that word is thrown around in this day and age. To be honest I am not sure how well the first definition of the word matches with what racism has connotatively become to mean, and for reference's sake, let's include the definition for ethnocentrism in this little discussion, shall we?

Eth*no*cen*trism (n) -

1. Sociology. The belief in the inherent superiority of one's own ethnic group or culture.
2. A tendency to view alien groups or cultures from the perspective of one's own.

I felt the need to talk about the subject of racism here because it was very recently brought to my attention that it is believed that I'm racist. Let's be even more specific, though. My best friend/little brother has a quote of mine on his Facebook profile. I don't remember it verbatim, but it went something along the lines of..."I hate dogs. Well not all dogs, but most of them...sort of like white people, I hate them, but you can find a good one here or there." Taken out of context, yes, that damn sure did sound hateful and racist...but let's think about it for a moment...IT WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT. I have no excuses or reasoning to say "Oh wait, no that didn't come out the way I meant it..." and I'm not ashamed I was quoted as saying so on what might be considered a public forum. (And as an aside, we just so happened to be talking about the numerous encounters with racism I've had with white people specifically, so *I* believe it to be justified.) However, an "ex" of his saw what I said and took it way too seriously, didn't bother confronting ME on the matter, and "assumed" quite a few things about me and my character, which thereby lowered my estimation of her by quite a bit. But hey, she's an ex and no longer involved in his life, so what do I care, ultimately...plus considering my LAST blog entry, "Fuck you, I'm me."

Never one to discount the possibility of having a trait that might be considered negative, I thought about this for some time. Am I racist? Taking the definition of the word literally, I'll address it per definition.

1. I don't feel that differences between the races make them any better or worse than each other. (And incidentally, shouldn't this sort of mean....stereotyping or perhaps racial profiling? Ah, well, I'm strictly going by this definition in any case.) I don't think all Asians are good at math, for fuck's sake I never got an A in any math class, nor am I particularly good at science, and I don't believe any member of my family is good at math either. Nor do I think black people are automatically better at sports because they're "built" that way, etc, etc. To make the comparison, I know plenty of Asians who can dance and play sports well and plenty of black people that are good at math. So whatever. And god help us if I felt that Koreans or even Asians in the broader sense needed to rule over everyone else...I don't know what the world would be like if we did, and I'd really rather not think about it.

2. See last two sentences of above statement.

3. Here's where we enter what's traditionally known as racism. Do I have a hatred or intolerance of other races? Yes, most definitely. I'm not afraid to admit it, and would be more than willing to do so to anyone at any time...I'm not ashamed of my feelings, and ALL of my hatred or intolerance is derived from DIRECT experience with said races. Going back to what I said earlier. Do I hate white people? Yes. Do I hate black people? I do hate a lot of black girls, and have no issues with black men, because I've never had negative experiences with them. Do I hate Hispanics/Latinos? I hate a lot of the women, and dislike a lot of the men (Mexican and Central American, usually...and yes I can tell the difference because of the way they speak Spanish. I WAS fluent in Spanish at some point in my life) because they're so god damned "I don't give a fuck" about eye-raping me on the regular. It's disrespectful. Do I hate Middle Easterners? No. I haven't really had any bad experiences with them that would make me hate them. Do I hate Asians? Yes. Do I hate Europeans? No, again because I haven't had any bad experiences with them. And just to cover EVERYONE, I don't have issues with Australians and have never met anyone from Antarctica.

The absolute bottom line here is this. I AM racist, yes. I DO hate other races. However, thinking back on my life in general, I've been, as Jay Z says, "fucked over, left for dead, dissed and forgotten" by EVERYONE. By my family, people I considered friends, and this goes BEYOND the color of their skin or ethnicity. I hate men as well, and I REALLY hate women. Again, all based on my own personal interactions with them. I sometimes hate myself, and most of the time hate everyone else regardless of what race they are. What it really boils down to though is...I am not so much a racist as a misanthropist. I detest the human race as a whole. I can't stand the human condition. People on the whole make me sick. People and their petty ideas and their greed and their selfishness make me wish I was born an animal and not a human being at all, fuck being higher up on the food chain. I don't trust very many people, and even if I SAY I trust you, let it be know I only let you about 75% of the way in...because I've been royally fucked over so many times I can't afford to let it happen again, not here, not now.

In closing, with all this said...let it be known that I hate you all. Each and every last one of you. :D Any one of my true close friends though, knows this and knows that despite the hate I feel for all human beings that I still do have the capacity to love them anyway. So the n ext time you hear me say some racist shit? Think about what you're hearing. You're really just hearing me hate people. And don't lie...you do too.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Fuck You, I'm Me.

One of the things about myself that I've been struggling with for a long time now is whether or not I'm a nice person, and if not, WHY not. I've been told quite often in recent years that I'm either a bitch, or else I'm abrasive, harsh, and other numerous and sundry not very pleasant things. As a matter of fact, late last year I met someone who I felt was a bit insufferably TOO sweet and TOO nice, and eager to please. I was so amazed at how nice of a person she was that I became determined to try and be the same way too. After a week of holding back my usual bitchy comments and trying to be sweet to everyone, I realized I wasn't happy and was also feeling incredibly repressed.

This made me wonder. What in God's name is wrong with me? Why do people always say I'm being/acting bitchy, or that I'm harsh or abrasive? (Note that I haven't been told I'm completely tactless, which I think says something...at least I have some discretion, apparently.) I went through a week of debating on this, wondering if maybe I was a bad person, or someone who was just dogmatic and stubborn, and just not willing to change for any reason. I pondered this from every imaginable point of view and finally came to the conclusion that I might not be a NICE person, but I am certainly a GOOD person. I was satisfied with this until a few months after, where I went out with a bunch of friends, and when I left, one of them told me that I was really rude and inconsiderate. I was absolutely MORTIFIED. Then I called each and every one of my friends and asked them if they thought I was rude, inconsiderate, or whatever, and to add to my long list of faults was the fact that apparently I was considered CONDESCENDING. Add to that, the fact that none of my friends wanted me to know this. They all sort of conspired to NOT tell me so. I was having a hard time at the time and this sort of ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back. I withdrew from everyone and brooded about this for a week or so. (Yeah, emokidslolz)

After that week where I really sort of spiraled downwards and felt terrible about myself and life in general, I sort of got my shit together. I realized I was being stupid. I also further realized that feeling so upset about the matter really went against all my principles: namely, not giving a fuck about what people thought of me, and just being ME.

So. Fast forward several months, and I watch Grindhouse. More specifically I'm talking about the "Death Proof" portion. The character Kim? I loved her. I mean FUCKING LOVED HER. After considering it for a bit, I realized the reason why I liked her is that she was like a somewhat exaggerated version of ME. She was a little fierce, a little angry, but spirited and passionate, and spoke her mind, and never let you believe anything less than the truth is what you'd hear from her.
Now, being a big thinker and over-analyzer, I wondered, what is it about her that made her spunky, and not necessarily BITCHY? Why didn't I hear people saying her character was a bitch?

Then it came to me. The ONE difference between us is that she's black. And I'm not. This realization got me further thinking...what is it about me that's so harsh and abrasive and bitchy? The answer? Nothing. Not a damn thing other than the fact that it's not RIGHT nor is it PROPER for an Asian girl to think and feel and speak the way I do. People, even those people that know me, seem to always be a bit taken aback by my ability and desire to speak my mind freely. I realize now that part of the issue is that I break paradigms apparently by that alone. I constantly cause people to question their previous beliefs about Asian women, but unfortunately this doesn't mean they necessarily accept the things I've said or done, but more like they mentally file this away under: BITCH.

I move on now to my thoughts on how it was that I was perceived as being condescending. I think I've hit on the correct reason, or at least the most accurate and believable reason as to why that is. After getting a representative sample of my friend population, I noticed a trend. Before I get to that, I'd like to explain that I don't think I'm this truly amazing and brilliant person whatsoever. I do know, however, that I just so happen to be a little smarter than your average Joe Blow that's conservative and believes George Bush is the best thing to happen to this country since toilet paper. Knowing this makes me confident that I at least have above average smarts, and I'm fairly discerning when it comes to figuring out if someone's hamster upstairs is running or is taking an extended lunch break. And when someone's hamster IS out to lunch, or I perceive that maybe they don't know as much as I do, then yeah, unconsciously I'm a little smugly superior when talking to them. I believe that this comes off as condescension. Yes, admittedly you don't quite know what someone's hamster is doing up there, but I think we all have a sort of built in gauge to be able to say "Yeah, this person? Not quite as smart as I am."

However, honestly? I am more than willing to listen to what people say, and when I stand in the presence of greatness, I'm properly humble and know my place. Certain people really do amaze me with their brilliance, this I am not afraid to admit. I also respect a lot of people as knowing a lot more than I do on certain topics. But I consider myself pretty dumb most of the time, so if you're even dumber than I am, man, don't even try and talk to me about shit because I WILL look down my nose at you.

My conclusion? Fuck you, I'm me. And if you don't know you better ask somebody.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta...

MUAHAHAHAH I AM VINDICATED!!!

Maybe now people will believe what I say is REAL TALK. A friend of mine just informed me that the show 60 minutes covered the topic of the Virginia Tech shooting. And he said, I quote, "Everything they said, supports you to a T." Well, its nice to know that some "educated" individuals actually agree with me and what I've said. And not that they read my blog or anything, but more like, I felt in the minority about how I felt, most people were so blinded by the events that they had mostly instinctive, visceral responses to what I had to say. Now I feel vindicated because I know that other people feel the same way I do.

Hip hip hurray!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Who Shot Ya?

DISCLAIMER:
What I have to say in no way excuses what the killer has done. Yes, it was a monstrous thing to do, to kill so many people to fulfill his need for revenge. Yes, no one should ever take an innocent's life the way he did. Don't ever for a MINUTE, think that I feel that these atrocities are "okay" or "justifiable". I don't at all.

My father, in his teachings of martial arts to me, often said two phrases that I always said were the cheesiest shit I had ever heard. They now seem very applicable. "Your greatest enemy is within you" and "No pain, no gain". For those of you that CANNOT think outside of the box, that persist in being held back by traditional ways of thinking, are not open minded, and just want to be led like sheep, don't bother reading my next post in this blog, because you won't understand it, and more than likely it will upset you quite a bit.

Furthermore, what I mean by repeating those two statements my father made is simply that, its true that your most fearsome enemy is yourself. Only you have the capability of lying to yourself and hurting yourself more than anyone ever could. Only you have the ability to pull the wool over your own eyes and persist in propagating your own ignorance. What I have to say is probably going to upset most if not all people who read it, but you know what? Too bad. There is no growth without some pain, hence the term GROWING PAINS. There is no advancement without some suffering. If you can read what I have to say and understand it, then I commend you for being an individual, someone able to THINK. I don't ask that you agree with me, only that you really and truly think about what I have to say, even if it makes you mad, even if it upsets you. ESPECIALLY if it does those things.

Also, I've written this in relative ignorance about the entire matter, I am not following the news obsessively, I have read CNN.com here and there, but you may or may not notice it's a big fragmented, information wise. That shouldn't dilute my message.
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Who Shot Ya?

This title of a Notorious B.I.G. song is what popped into my head when reading the news about the VT killings. These are the words that perhaps should be considered in the tragedy that's occurred - sadly, its doubtful that anyone WILL consider them in the near or immediate future, at least not in the way that I am hoping.

And what do I mean by this question? Its simple. When I heard about the shootings today, I looked for information about the killer. There was none to be found. Why do I search for information on the killer? For a multitude of reasons. For one: while everyone else seems to be searching for ways to 'protect our children' and 'make our schools safer' not many people will be thinking of what I consider to be the TRUE problem. How do we stop these sorts of things from happening again?

Of course I cannot know the true reasoning behind the justification of the killing of 30+ people. I can, however, speculate. We have all said at one time or another, that we wanted to kill someone or do someone bodily harm. Sure, I know I for one have not acted out my impulses to commit homicide, genocide, and, when I'm particularly disappointed in humanity, xenocide. But the impulses ARE there.

Now. I move onto why this particular kid did this. First though, I will digress, intentionally, for a short period of time. I’d like to address all those people at Virginia Tech that say that they KNEW that this kid was going to be a school shooter, because he wrote shit that was “disturbing”. And further, that they were…OMG NO WAI…the SAME DAY just joking how he could be a school shooter! Why must these idiots come out of the woodwork and its these types of people that always try to find their 15 minutes of fame in moments like this! It’s fucking despicable and makes me sick to my stomach. Everyone has GOT to be interviewed. All these dumb bitches (both male and female) that are crying because they found out who the shooter was…BITCH PLEASE. You probably didn’t know the guy, or any of the people who were shot. And even if you did, so what if it happens to be the creepy loner kid with no friends? That somehow makes you even SADDER now? Oh yeah, and this kid’s face is the face of EVIL? Come on. It was the face of a tortured and confused kid; you can plainly see it in his video clips. And maybe it feels like evil to you, but that’s part of the reason why I’m writing this now. To maybe help people understand so that this sort of “evil” doesn’t happen again.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that over with, again, I move to why this particular kid did this. Yes, he had notes in his room about these “rich kids”, the “debauchery” and “deceitful charlatans”. The superficial layer of why he did this is that he was angry. He was VERY angry. These stupid rich kids on campus, they’re the same all over. They have parties, they drink, they do drugs, and they have sex. They also are inordinately and perhaps unconsciously, supercilious, arrogant, and condescending. Its natural for an outsider, someone not in this “in crowd” to be angry at them, and jealous, and perhaps angry at his parents or family for not putting him in those same circumstances, able to look down on anyone not in his little special circle of friends. It’s always the tortured artists that write things that are “disturbing”. He was disturbed partially because of those idiots on that campus, and the whispering and joking about him being a school shooter did not help. Did you imbeciles out there actually think that he didn’t know? That he didn’t hear the whispers and jokes as he walked by? Did it ever occur to anyone that perhaps that he was SO angry that you yourselves implanted in his mind the self-fulfilling prophecy that he would be a school shooter? How do you know it wasn’t these cruel whispers and jokes that he heard and said, “Oh yeah? You think I’m a school shooter? Sure I’ll be a school shooter! I’ll fucking KILL ALL OF YOU!”


Its already been discovered that he was a loner, with not that many friends. Why is that? Why does it seem as if the people that do these sorts of things always end up being loners without many friends? I’ll give you a reason why. I have recently discovered that I myself am disenchanted with the people around me. I myself have been considering casting off those people that call me their friends, but that *I* do not call friends. I have in fact recently explained to someone that because of all my efforts to break down paradigms and be someone different, be unique, truly unique, that I have in fact distanced myself from everyone else, because it seems so many people are just sheeple – these sorry, pathetic, 2 dimensional excuses of life and wastes of space and oxygen. I very often feel quite alone, despite the fact that so many people surround me.

Once you get to the point where you feel isolated and alone, and you (as he more than likely did) spend increasingly more time online away from actual people, its possible that he felt like I do fairly often, just disconnected from people around him, and in extreme moments, from humanity in general. I, for one, am frequently disgusted at the way people act and behave themselves. It’s why I voluntarily spend so much time at home. It’s the reason why I spend so much time online, to spend time to try and find people that are like me, that feel the same ways I do in this respect. Luckily for me, I have. There are so many people out there; individuals who also feel alone, who also are surrounded by idiotic ignorant people that don’t understand them. But…those people, like myself, seem to be relatively grounded and merely disenchanted, not mentally unstable people. But if you add the variable of “mentally unstable” into the equation, then you get someone who is SO disenchanted with other people, SO alienated from other people, that he or she becomes so disconnected with everyone else, which ends up amounting to the human race. I think that THIS is what enables people to kill others, just gun them down in cold blood, or do other horrific things to them, in the nature of serial killers for instance. Other people become sort of…just bodies, just masses of flesh, not REAL people. (By the by, its this psychological tool that people in power use to goad the masses into supporting war – by making those they want to go to war against seem like the faceless, slavering horde, much easier to rouse “the mob” to kill “the enemy” that way, instead of thinking of them as real people who have lives and families.) It becomes infinitely easier to just kill someone, or even a large group of people, that you don’t consider “real” people.

And now I move onto the last point. Which is this: why must people always look for a scapegoat on everything? Oh, he was Korean, oh, he watched Oldboy multiple times before he killed so many people. Well, I quote, at this time, ironically enough, some Eminem lyrics.

“And all of this controversy circles me
And it seems like the media immediately
Points a finger at me
So I point one back at 'em, but not the index or pinkie
Or the ring or the thumb, it's the one you put up
When you don't give a fuck, when you won't just put up
With the bullshit they pull, cause they full of shit too
When a dude's gettin bullied and shoots up his school
And they blame it on Marilyn, and the heroin
Where were the parents at? And look where it’s
Middle America, now it's a tragedy
Now it's so sad to see, an upper class ci-ty
Havin this happenin…”

Everyone wants a fucking scapegoat. In Columbine, it was Eminem and Marilyn Manson. Now, they’re going to, at some point, if they haven’t already, blame Park Chan Wook for the movie he made. The bottom like is…EVERYONE has some fault here! Not just the movie or the director. Not just KOREANS. But the court that didn’t properly register that they ruled that this kid was mentally ill was partially at fault, otherwise its possible that the guy who sold the kid the gun would have seen it in his background check. The kids that made fun of this kid are partially at fault. The parents of this kid are partially at fault. Anyone who this kid might have taken into confidence about his feelings is partially at fault. The professors (or TAs) who read what this kid wrote are partially at fault! For god’s sake, when I was a teenager and really depressed, (about a lot of shit) a friend who knew me at the time went to the school psychologist and told him he was worried about me being a danger to myself. This psychologist went around and talked to my teachers and friends and finally spoke to me. My friend did this knowing that I might never speak to him again, but he was so concerned about me that he felt my well being was more important than remaining friends with me. And I truly respect that to this day. As well as the teachers who spoke to the school psychologist about me.

Whatever. In conclusion, the reason I am thinking about these things and talking about them, and trying to get people to think about the things they don’t want to is because I DO want to try and do what I can to help prevent these things from happening. And if you hate me or are angry with me for it, fine. All I can say is I’m not surprised, and I don’t blame you. As a friend of mine said, “When something terrible happens, there’s a reason people divorce their rationale from it, it helps insulate you. Lessens the horror. People aren’t interested in being self-aware. There’s no reason to look at this with a brain in your head, to most; that will only cause oneself pain. It’s easier to just lay blame on something and move on.” And this is so true. If I’ve mad you angry, if I’ve at least made you think, then I’ve done something. And maybe if this makes you talk to someone else about it, then even better. As Malcolm X once said: “Usually when people are sad they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change." I know I’m angry. I almost hope you are too.

Kill You

For the record, for the last few days I have been writing a somewhat long and involved little essay on the recent Virginia Tech killings. However, I'm putting this out there now: The next person that contacts me that says, "Hey, you're Korean...and YOU liked that movie Oldboy, isn't it one of your favorite movies?" WILL suffer the consequences. (No, I'm not talking about you, CJ) It was pointed out to me this morning that I should be happy that I'm not Middle Eastern, Muslim, or Indian or Pakistani even, in the wake of 9/11, because those groups of people have had to endure much worse antagonism, hostility, and outright stupidity. In fact, a very good friend of mine that is Middle Eastern has often told me that he almost wished he had it in him TO kill people who made stupid/racist comments, if only for the sake of helping evolution along a bit.

In any case, I am putting up a disclaimer now, and will put up the same disclaimer at the beginning of my next post just to warn people off. *clears throat*

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DISCLAIMER:
What I have to say in no way excuses what the killer has done. Yes, it was a monstrous thing to do, to kill so many people to fulfill his need for revenge. Yes, no one should ever take an innocent's life the way he did. Don't ever for a MINUTE, think that I feel that these atrocities are "okay" or "justifiable". I don't at all.

My father, in his teachings of martial arts to me, often said two phrases that I always said were the cheesiest shit I had ever heard. They now seem very applicable. "Your greatest enemy is within you" and "No pain, no gain". For those of you that CANNOT think outside of the box, that persist in being held back by traditional ways of thinking, are not open minded, and just want to be led like sheep, don't bother reading my next post in this blog, because you won't understand it, and more than likely it will upset you quite a bit.

Furthermore, what I mean by repeating those two statements my father made is simply that, its true that your most fearsome enemy is yourself. Only you have the capability of lying to yourself and hurting yourself more than anyone ever could. Only you have the ability to pull the wool over your own eyes and persist in propagating your own ignorance. What I have to say is probably going to upset most if not all people who read it, but you know what? Too bad. There is no growth without some pain, hence the term GROWING PAINS. There is no advancement without some suffering. If you can read what I have to say and understand it, then I commend you for being an individual, someone able to THINK. I don't ask that you agree with me, only that you really and truly think about what I have to say, even if it makes you mad, even if it upsets you. ESPECIALLY if it does those things.
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That said, stay tuned, I'll be posting the inflammatory remarks sometime shortly. Its taken me 3 days to finish writing it, because every time I see the news or people call me or text me, or email me about this, I become so enraged, so blindingly furious, it becomes hard to even think coherently.

Lastly, if you're so upset at what I have to say that you are angry with me or feel some other sort of strong adverse emotion, and you feel like you need to let me know, keep it to yourself. I don't need to hear your BS, write about it in your own blog or whatever, but don't waste your time and mine telling me shit I could care less about. No ignorant shit you have to say is going to change my mind.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

OH EM GEE lrn2notspeak1337!

Okay. So. One of the things that I realized I seem to be having issues with lately, is talking like a normal person. I don't why that is, it just is. Now when I say "normal person", I mean someone that is not a gamer or does not play World of Warcraft. I've always sort of used gamer talk in real life, (ooh, see, right there I almost just typed IRL instead, ugh) but lately I've noticed it is getting REALLY BAD.

So...what am I doing that's so damned lame? Here's a list.

1. I always pronounce all the acronyms fully as if they were real words. LOL = lawl, ROFL = roffle, OMG = ohemgee, IMO = eye em oh, and I say "IRL" to mean what it means or just to mean life outside of WoW. (Oh God, today my roommate told me she wanted to go out and I said, "Wait, in game or IRL?" And yes, I did have genuine confusion as to what she meant.)

2. A lot of the time it actually IRKS me that I have to speak normally. When I'm being really stupid I just wonder to myself, "God, why can't this person play WoW then they would know what I was talking about!!"

3. Instead of saying something is cool or interesting or even awesome, I use the word "epic". Or "uber". Oh yeah, and I ALSO say "lrn2 'insert whatever said person needs to learn to do here'." Yes, I REALLY do. I also do the "orly/yarly/nowai" thing a lot, even though when you actually pronounce the words out loud it sounds like regular English. But in my MIND I see the text as its written.

This is has been happening for some time, but its been getting REALLY bad lately. The worst part is coming home after work and talking to all my friends on Vent and being able to talk like this, and actually being RELIEVED that someone knows what I'm talking about and understands me. Jesus Christ I'm lame. And yes, I've already realized I'm taking the whole RPG thing WAY too seriously. And furthermore that I'm becoming overly involved in the world of Warcraft as opposed to the REAL world. Can I help it if I like the former better?

Revocation of my ghetto pass??

I have a few things that I wanted to get off my chest this week. This may take a while so its probably best that I break it up into a few different posts.

First and foremost, since this relates to my other posts I made recently, I was in the office of one of the companies I worked for and was talking to a friend and an acquiantance, both guys. Now, let's call the friend...Eddie, and the acquaintance...Hugh. So, I initially came into Eddie's office to say hello, and Hugh just happened to be sitting in a desk right outside Eddie's office. Eddie had to take a phone call, so when he was on the phone, I leaned out to say hello to Hugh. We got to talking and Hugh discovered that I am a fan of hip hop. (Well, duh.) In any case we started talking about hip hop and of course I got all excited because honestly, who really, I mean REALLY likes music these days? I mean, truly likes music, as in all aspects of it. Lyrics, production, talent of the artist, etc etc. Anyway, I digress. Now I will admit that when I talk about hip hop, some of the Oakland in me does come out, it's totally unconscious when its happening, and I only realize it after the fact, usually because someone points it out.

So. Eddie gets off the phone and listens to my conversation with Hugh. He suddenly laughs and tells me that in his opinion it sounded REALLY wrong for me to be talking a little ghetto. I don't rememeber the words verbatim, but the gist of it basically seemed to me to be that he didn't think the ghetto was quite right coming out of my mouth. Now, I've lived in LA (specifically the Valley) for long enough now that by this point most of the time I pretty much sound like a "white girl" when I talk. This basically means that I have no accent and don't use any particular slang that would identify me as being black or Latina. But when the subject comes up, the ghetto comes out. I don't do it in purpose, I just can't help it.

My point here is: I was a wee bit on the outraged side when Eddie pointed out that the ghetto didn't "fit". I don't know which way he meant it exactly, but when someone says something like that, to me it seems like they're saying basically that you're a poseur. That you're frontin' on shit that you know nothing about. Which, for anyone who knows me, knows that is one of the BIGGEST insults you could ever give me. I mean, obviously I KNOW I'm not black. I don't think I am nor do I pretend to be. BUT! Is it really necessary to try and revoke my ghetto pass when you've only heard me talk like a white girl and all of a sudden the ghetto comes out?? Its not like it sounds "wrong", you just may not be USED to it is all.

Now Lord knows I am not in the business of justifying myself to people. If you think I'm real, then you do. If you don't then I don't need to convince you that I am...real recognizes real, right?

Monday, February 12, 2007

Gettin' My Sexy On

Never let it be said that although I am SO anti-trendy, that I can't like something in its own right despite its trendiness. And by this comment I refer to: JT aka Justin Timberlake.

Now, I never liked him in Mickey Mouse Club, hated N'Sync...and didn't particularly like anything from any solo album (except for the "Cry Me a River" remix with 50) but after watching a few videos of his on Friday and grudgingly dowloading his most recent album...well, I gotta give the man credit. The album is HEAT ROCKS. Timbaland produced, featuring quite a few respected hip hop artists...this pop kid's new album is really pure heat. He's done the Mariah Carey: moved out of the pop realm and into hip hop. I mean, I was in denial, but I can't deny it any longer. Not to mention...HELLO the man has got STYLE! Or a great stylist, but if that's the case then he sure does know how to take some tips and WORK them, at that. So he can dress, and dance, AND sing. Lord have MERCY!

RIght about now I'm really feeling "My Love" although I could care less for the TI bit at the end. Sorry, he just ain't King of the South like he thinks he is, IMO.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Justify My Thug?

So recently I've spent a lot of time marinating on myself, my life, etc etc, for a lot of reasons. Not the "where am I going, why am I here" ruminations, but more like "where have I been" and "why do I/should I like myself" ruminations. Anyway, here's the latest. For some reason I've been on the Jay-Z tip this week. No clue why. I mean other than the fact that he's my favorite rap artist of all time, that is.

Nonetheless. No matter what anyone might say about him, let it be said by me, right here, and right now, that he has said some relevant shit. Maybe not to anyone else, but he has for me. As is obvious I've been listening to The Black Album this week. And I posted this some time ago in a note in Facebook but I never sat here and took the time to actually explain how it is that the lyrics are so relevant to me.

Before I continue, let's see this lyrics. It's really the first part that I like the best:

"I ain't never been to jail; I ain't never pay a nigga
to do no dirt for me I was scared to do myself
I will never tell even if it means sittin in a cell
I ain't never ran, never will
I ain't never been smacked; a nigga better keep his hands
to himself or get clapped for what's under that man's belt
I never asked for nothin I don't demand of myself
Honesty, loyalty, friends and then wealth
Death before dishonor and I tell you what else
I tighten my belt 'fore I beg for help
Foolish pride is what held me together through the years
I wasn't felt which is why I ain't never played myself
I just play the hand I'm dealt, I can't say I've never knelt
before God and asked for better cards at times to no avail
But I never sat back feelin sorry for myself
If you don't give me heaven I'll raise hell
'Til it's heaven"

Now. I've lived in a lot of places in my life, and one place I am glad that I lived in...or rather two places, if you think about it...is the 'hood and the barrio. Yeah, I lived in the ghetto...for a good portion of my life. Was born in Oakland (or a tiny city close to it that no one's ever heard of) and while living in LA, have spent a lot of time in and around the hood. It's not necessarily something I pride myself on, but I AM glad it happened. Why? Well, I saw a lot of shit and went through a lot of shit that I would never have seen or experienced. It put me in a much different state of mind, I think, than any of my "peers". Meaning, more specifically, any younger Asian females that were raised in a basically middle class environment. With this in mind, I continue.

I've never been to jail. Yeah I've committed crimes, (no I don't just mean dowloading shit illegally) I've done my share of petty theft, been an accessory to a few things I shouldn't have been, whatever. But I wouldn't ever pay anyone to do anything I was scared to do myself. If I want shit done, *I* will do it. Since after all it's been proven time and again, if you want something done right, do it yourself.

I've never ratted anyone out, I've never told anyone something solely for the sake of saving my own ass. Fuck that. I would never roll over on anyone, would never try and sell someone out. I've never run away from my responsibilities or from the cops or anything like that, either.

I would never let myself be treated like a bitch. And when I say bitch, I don't mean the "bitch" I'm usually proud of being (read: a strong woman) I mean like, a little cowardly pussy. No one would ever be able to lay hands on me and get away with it. If you touch me the wrong way, I'll kill you.

I like to believe that I'm not a hypocrite. I don't ask people for anything that I wouldn't give them in turn (although hence, I never ask anyone for anything, but there's as reason why and that's a whole long, other, different story). I also don't expect more from people than I myself am either willing or capable of doing. And there have been many, many times in my life, where I did tighten my belt rather than ask for help. I've been hungry more than a few times because I was too proud to ask someone for money or help in some way...and that's because I don't want ANYONE to ever say that I owed them anything. I would never want anyone to be able to claim that anything I have or am was because of them. EVER.

And yes, foolish pride has held me together and made me who I am, for better or for worse. And I can be proud of the fact that I've tried my damndest to never play myself. I would never do something if I didn't believe in what I was doing. I would never be something I didn't believe in or support anyone I didn't believe in. I would never sacrifice my strongest principles for trivial shit. Never.

Now this last part here? Sure I have sat back and felt sorry for myself, but I got over it soon enough and played the hand I was dealt. And I did ask God for better cards, most of the time to no avail. I've asked God for better cards quite a bit recently, what can I say? Has he dealt me a better hand than the ones I've been playing? Only time will tell I suppose. In the meantime I like to believe that I'm a woman, no a PERSON of honor and integrity, someone who still believes in honor and integrity for that matter. Someone who would die for the things I truly, truly believed in. Someone who isn't afraid to be passionate and CARE about things. Someone who isn't afriad to fight for the things she wants and believes in.

The main two things I would die or kill for? Love. Honor. And that is all.

And THAT is one reason why I think I really like myself.

Public Service Announcement...

"Now before I finish, let me just say: I did not come here to show out, did not come here to impress you. Because to tell you the truth when I leave here I'm gone...and I don't care WHAT you think about me - but just remember, when [shit] hits the fan, whether it's next year, ten years, twenty years from now, you'll never be able to say that [this bitch] lied to you, JACK!"

So I was listening to this in the car the other day, and I have no idea where it came from, but I thought it was very apropos for me specifically. If I could have these words engraved on my tombstone, I would. Well, okay, maybe I wouldn't, but still. They are, nonetheless, "famous last words" for me.

Okay so, why do these words apply to ME, you ask? Well. Here's the thing. They struck me because I honestly do feel that way. I generally don't do things to impress people, (unless I need to for some reason) I'm not an attention whore. I do what I do because its me, because its what I am. And when I do leave somewhere, a person, a place, a situation...when I leave it either physically or mentally, I AM gone. And the best part of the whole thing, I like to think that I can pride myself on the ability to be honest. So maybe people sometimes don't want to hear honesty. Maybe sometimes I'm a little too honest. But...nonetheless the fact still remains... If you know anything about me, you should know that you would always be able to say that this bitch never lied to you, JACK!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

*le fucking sigh*

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

So. I've just realized how lame my entire existence is. People think my life is like, great and all. I mean, woo hoo, I help make porn. Yeah that's fantastic. Woo hoo I get to see naked chicks whenever I want. Yeah, that's fantastic too. But when you come right down to the nuts and bolts, my life isn't exciting or great. It kind of sucks. Why, you ask? Well here's why.

Sometimes I swear to God I wish so much that I weren't such a moody bitch. I mean, not that I'm all astrologically inclined or anyhing but, I'm a Cancer, and we're known to be moody. On top of that, for God's sake I'm a WOMAN. We're almost biologically programmed to be moody since we've got estrogen and all. But. Despite this fact, is it necessary to install into us the need to OBSESS over every freaking little thing? I mean, HONESTLY!

Not to mention, I'm too much of a thinker, I'm far, far too introspective and analytical for my own good. Some small minor thing happens to me on a certain day and what do I do, but analyze it for hours until I've practically talked myself into committing suicide because I just can't take it anymore. But of course, let's not forget...generally any life situation can come up and the rest of your life can still be okay. You can still function. But God forbid something happen in your love life that you may or may not be completely happy with? Holy Christ, the sky is falling!!

Getting back to why I suck. I can't even get the wherewithal to go out and look for a girlfriend because I'm too lazy. And if someone happens to be FRYING MY LIFE AND MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE...then the hottest girl ever could want to hump my leg in the street, and no go. For that matter, the hottest guy AND girl could want to run a train on me and it'd be a no go.

Furthermore, I have no real life friends. All of my friends are online. Any of my real life friends I never see or talk to very much unless they're online playing the same video game I am. (Yes, that would be World of Warcraft.) I don't CARE to talk to my real life friends, because most of them are in porn and have something to do with porn and I could care less about talking about that all the damn time. So all of my friends that I find interesting and cool...are people I've never met and live all around the country (and sometimes even in other countries) and that I never will meet. And NO, I don't want to go out and meet people. You know why? Because the terrible thing is...they more than likely won't play WoW, and will completely ridicule me for it, or else they probably are gay Alliance players. Which I couldn't deal with.

All I do is spend time online in some way, shape, or form. In fact, tonight, when I should be sleeping so I can sleep in tomorrow since I'm not working...I'm up...thinking about playing WoW, and posting on my stupid blog. God I hate myself sometimes, I FUCKING SWEAR.

(/wrists)

Someone just kill me now.