This is something I wrote a while back, and looking back on it, I still feel the same way. Even more so now being in the business and all:
I am very fond of calling myself “the most misogynistic woman I know.” Yes, I am proud to hold such an impressive title, but whenever I say this, whoever I'm talking to just looks at me like I’m a freak. Then of course follows the inevitable question: “How can YOU be misogynistic? You’re a WOMAN!” Yes, I KNOW I’m a woman, and still am the last time I checked. So, how can I say that I HATE women? Well, there is a thin line between love and hate...so let me explain what I mean.
Being raised in a strict Asian household, my parents were supposed to teach me my “rightful place” as a woman. (Whatever or wherever that place was I still don’t think I’ve found it.) Naturally, in high school, I was determined to be different. I was a rebel. Hanging around with boys all the time had me start to imitate them. I did not behave like a “young lady.” I always sat in chairs with my legs spread, and cursed like a sailor. My male friends were comfortable around me, and talked freely about everything. They told me often that they didn’t really consider me to be a “normal” girl. Privately I was a little insulted. Publicly I took it as a compliment. After a while I began to see that it was indeed a compliment. I also began to sneer and jeer at the “normal” girls- girls that were afraid to break a nail. Girls that hated the “guy stuff” -video games, comic books, sports and cars, when I myself loved these things. Most of the girls I knew were very superficial, and would talk about pretty much only two subjects. Fashion, and boys. That was it. After being in the company of most girls at the time I felt irritated and frustrated. I also couldn’t stand the backstabbing, vindictive, cut and thrust action that you’d see in all female groups. I preferred to be in the rough and tumble, relatively open and honest company of boys.
This attitude of mine has stayed with me till today. I laugh at women who put on makeup in the car and can’t steer. Women that are only vaguely aware (in the last three years) that the Lakers are a Los Angeles basketball team. But I must admit I’ve had my own share of losses to feminine society. My beauty salon owning stepmother urged me to fix my hair and learn what sorts of makeup to buy and how to use it. I began to see boys as men that appreciated a woman that LOOKED like a woman. I’m proud to say that I can now whip out the femininity in the blink of an eye.
As I have gotten older, I have begun to see that women like me aren’t TOTALLY atypical, but we’re still a little rare. A little while ago I was in a nail salon with a friend of mine and I was getting a pedicure but declined to get a manicure. When my friend heard that, she VERY loudly said, “What’s wrong with a manicure?? Stop being such a guy!” She then turned to the girl that was doing her nails, and (STILL very loudly) said, “Can you believe that? Look at my friend over there. She LOOKS like a girl, but she’s really a guy!” At that point, ALL the women in the salon turned and stared at me. At the time I began a very serious inspection of my pedicure and was embarrassed beyond belief. Needless to say, we’re not friends anymore.
A very good friend of mine recently labeled me as a “man-woman”, a name he had made up for his wife and some of his female friends that have similar thoughts and attitudes. When I first heard the term, I laughed. Did it not show the dichotomy of my nature? It stayed in the back of my mind and I later gave the whole “man-woman” thing some thought. Does this dichotomy of my nature make me very atypical and “weird”? I never once thought of myself as an anomaly. Although I must say that if I am, I prefer being the anomaly to being “normal”.